Ain't the Internet wonderful? We found out just how much fun it could be yet again yesterday, when we stumbled across what looked like a garden-variety domestic violence report on file in the Harris County District Clerk's online records.
Tuesday Harris County Sheriffs arrested a 20-year-old Katy woman for assault of a family member -- a twentysomthing guy we'll call Wankie McDoucherson.
We have a morbid curiosity about such things. We like to look these people up on Facebook and see if there are any signs of their lives and loves unraveling. Yes, like we said, it is sick.
Most times there are not, but boy was there ever this time. The woman's Facebook was private, but McDoucherson's was not, and while there is no excuse for domestic violence, judging by his obnoxious and lurid postings on Facebook, let's just say that McDoucherson could have driven even the sweetest, most even-keeled woman to spluttering, cold-eyed fury.
Let's take a look at those postings, shall we...
The ill-fated romance apparently began some time between mid-February, when McDoucherson declared himself single, and March 4, when he declared:
"Im happy with my new friend. Fuck all you cus no i wont tell you who she is!!!!!"
Shortly after that, he declared himself to be "in a relationship." And then he switched it to "an open relationship" and back to "a relationship" in very short order.
On April 14, he said he was "just loving life people how bout you?" and then coughed up this little pearl of wisdom in the wee hours of another April night:
Or not. (Just a little sidebar here: you can kind of tell this dude is an ass by his picture, which features three attractive young women and him. From the position of his body, and because it's a terrible picture of him, it looks very much like he insinuated himself into the frame uninvited, but it was the only one in which he had ever been captured in proximity to three attractive women.)
At any rate, April 27 found McDoucherson pining: "Really missing someone right now. Time to get my life together and say f@$k the bullshit."
Three days later, his melancholy was a thing of the past. Early on that spring morning, he got out of bed and cooed these sweet nothings to the world :
That heart-cry was apparently not well-received by at least one lady, because shortly thereafter, the relationship he was in was declared over. Could there have been a correlation between that post and his break-up?
Around the same time, he "liked" groups for Katy Bars, the Washington Wave jitney cab service, and another called "You Look Like I Need Another Drink."
July found McDoucherson waxing defiant. Perhaps it was the booze from those bars in Katy and down on Washington: "Look we do what we do! Hate us or love us but we are who we are! So get it deal with it or move the fuck on!"
He also wrote about an upcoming trip to Minnesota, and posted on another friend's wall that the reason for the trip was "family drama," but added hopefully, "maybe ill get laid." His friend said, "By your family? Gross."
There was a hiatus of sorts, and then in September, a hint of drama: "Smashed phone sorry don't bother calling."
Days later, there came a shocker: he went straight from "single" to "married." Five friends posted WTF?-type responses.
And three days after the announcement of his marriage, the Valentino of the Katy Prairie was back in lover-man mode: "Bitch you look like a donkey," he wrote.
And then, the following day, McDoucherson uncorked a tour-de-force of hawt pillow talk even Casanova himself would envy:
Two female friends posted identical responses: "Gross Wankie." And then in very short order, McDoucherson went down the commitment ladder a rung at a time, from married to "it's complicated," and "it's complicated" to "in an open relationship."
Six days after the latest tacky posting, on October 7, it was all over: "Got my ass dumbed!!!! Sucks when you really love the person...Fuck it get at me be out tonight if i dont hit austin....."
(We're pretty sure he meant "dumped," because there's not much chance this dude could get further "dumbed" by anyone or anything.)
That same night, he put the word out to the ladies as to where he would be taking his not-gonna-suck-itself, no-threat-of-pregnancy Johnson, just in case any of them were interested: "Mid Town bitchs cus im single yeah im single lol."
Six minutes later, he apparently had second thoughts, at least about going to "Mid Town," if not being in the mood for some belly-poppin'.
"Anybody just wanna get naked tonight????," he wrote. There were no takers, at least none who would admit it on Facebook.
And then...Joy! He got his girl back! As is typical with McDoucherson, he ascended upward from "in an open relationship" to plain monogamy.
But alas, it was a false dawn. Big time. On October 18, shit got serious:
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(We're speculating, of course, that this was when he had a run-in with what might very well have been a very heavy purse swung with vicious force and dead aim.)
And then, Wankie McDoucherson switched his status back to "single" for the very last time.