They've come up with names like the "Reckless Robber" and they've criticized perps for looking unclean. But in the face of a smooth-talking playah, they are in awe.
Notifying media of the latest robbery, a Wachovia branch at 7302 Bellaire Boulevard today, FBI agent Patricia Villafranca could hardly contain herself: "The obviously confident robber thought he might get somewhere by flirting with the very teller he was in the process of robbing!!"
And the official release goes even deeper:
At approximately 12:15, a stylishly dressed black male entered the bank and approached a teller. He handed the teller a long, rambling note that demanded money and threatened the teller, indicating that he was carrying a gun. As the robber waited for the teller to comply with his demands, he began to flirt with her, and continued flirting until the cash was placed into a plastic bag he carried with him. Cash in hand, he smoothly thanked the teller and smiled as he left the bank.
And what does the FBI consider stylish these days?
"The robber is described by witnesses as a black male, 25-27 y ears old, 5'07" to 5'09" tall, medium to dark complexion, clean shaven, with a tattoo of unknown design on his inside right forearm. He was wearing a black Kanga hat, black and white polo shirt, sunglasses, and jeans," the release said.
Stylish? FBI, you need to get out more. (Plus, we think it's actually a Kangol hat, right?)
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I am capable of bringing you to a state of freakstasy that no other man could ever bring you to. You can try to find this level of sexual satisfaction with some other man, but know that if you break from Smoove, I cannot guarantee that I will still be single when you realize that only I can satisfy all your senses. Then, you would be living in a cold, cruel, Smoove-less world, and I would not wish that upon you. You are too special to me.
Damn, girl, you need to take the rest of the day off so I can break you off doggy-style in my bathroom. First, though, fill up this bag with cash.
There's a Crimestoppers reward for tips on the Bellaire robber, but the FBI warns that no woman should try to arrest him on her own. Especially if he's still rocking the Kangol.
Or maybe they didn't issue that warning. But they should have.