So Who Hasn't Gotten Naked?
In the latest news from the Land That Talent Forgot, Kim Kardashian has gone starkers for the November issue of W Magazine:
Kim Kardashian has bared all on the cover of a fashion magazine. The reality star, who turns 30 on Oct. 21, appears nude on W Magazine's November 2010 Art Issue with the words "It's all about me; I mean you; I mean me" in strategically placed text banners above various parts of her anatomy.
Surprisingly, she posed for the magazine after having been widely quoted about regretting a nude photo shoot for Playboy.
Kardashian, whose greatest asset (aside from the obvious - link NSFW) appears to be her willingness to get naked and then talk about it, has shown her goodies plenty in the past. Besides the aforementioned Playboy shoot, she also did an un-retouched series in Harper's Bazaar. Then there are the endless Twitter pics and almost daily mentions in the Huffington Post (she's BOWLING, people). For someone whose greatest claim to fame to date is participating in the World's Most Boring Sex Tape, that's some impressive, ah, exposure.
But we're in an age when magazines will try anything to halt a steady decline in sales and female celebrities are now expected to include a Maxim photo spread along with guest spots on Letterman and Regis & Kelly. Hell, most male actors have showed their asses at least once. In fact, it's easier to come up with a list of those who haven't taken their clothes off onscreen than it is to name all those who have.
Okay, maybe not. I'll give it a try anyway.
Try as the MPAA and Focus on the Family might, we're just not as hung up on nudity as we used to be. A quick rundown of most A-list actors will yield at least a couple instances of bared breasts and/or buns. But who are the hold-outs? The Tobias Fünkean never nudes? The proudly clothed (or at least proudly using body doubles)? Here are a few.
Julia Roberts -- Believe it or not, the Pretty Woman/Erin Brockovich star has stood by her guns and kept her clothes (mostly) on throughout her highly lucrative career. Though to be fair, not even gratuitous nakedidity would have saved the likes of Runaway Bride or Duplicity.
Harrison Ford -- I was mildly surprised by this, then I remembered the guy made a billion dollars starring in two of the most profitable movie franchises of all time. If you don't think that gives you a say-so in whether or not you'll be getting your buns powdered in a movie, I've got some waterfront property on Falcon Lake to sell you.
Two Of The Harry Potter Kids -- At this point, my exhaustive research indicates that Emma Watson and Rupert Grint are the only ones in the HP cast who haven't taken it off, which is fitting considering Watson's still not old enough to drink in the U.S. and the 22 year-old Grint still looks 15. Daniel Radcliffe did that full frontal run on Eqqus a while back, and the rest of the adult cast are British, which means it's a contractual requirement to show the goods in at least one film a year.
Bill Murray -- There are those who maintain a strict no-nudity stance due to personal conviction, and then there are those who do so because they've never been asked otherwise.
Megan Fox/Scarlett Johansson/Jessica Alba -- We may be seeing something of an emerging trend among younger actors who probably grew up mortified by the way the internet immortalizes the follies of youth (see also Alyssa Milano). By not going all the way, as it were, perhaps they're hoping to get a leg up career-wise on more serious thespians who went the nude route once and vowed never to do so again (Natalie Portman, Reese Witherspoon).
Of the three, I'd say Fox is the most likely to need a "career boost" in the near future, but Alba's not too far behind. As for Johansson, as long as Woody Allen's alive, she'll be all right.
Orlando Bloom -- "Why aren't there more men on your list, jerkface?" First of all, rude. Second, beats the hell out of me, though I suspect it has something to do with the fact that most males experiment with mooning during their adolescence, thus desensitizing them to the act of dropping trou. I tried to come up with more dudes who keep their clothes on, but I defy you to find me one who hasn't done at least one butt shot in the last ten years. Hugh Jackman, Will Smith, George Clooney, Johnny Depp...you name it. With Bloom, it's just a matter of time, especially now that he seems to be done with period pieces and isn't on the hook with Disney for any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Wait, his next film is a remake of The Three Musketeers? Sorry, ladies.
Ewan McGregor -- Just kidding. This guy gets naked in front of the camera more than Harvey Keitel.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.