Social Distortion: Dear Social Media Swami
Dear Social Media Swami,
I think my girlfriend's social media obsession is out of control. At any given time, she's either on the computer or checking her iPhone for the latest stuff happening on Twitter, Facebook, or whatever. She hates being bothered while she's doing it, and she's so into it. It's really hurt our relationship. I feel like we barely do stuff anymore without her totally tuning me out for the Internet. The other day, she even updated her Facebook status while I was going down on her. What can I do to get my girlfriend back?
Social Media Widower
Dear Social Media Widower,
Listen, guy, you've got two options here: Beat 'em, or join 'em.
If she's updating her Facebook status while you're going down on her, and it doesn't say anything remotely akin to, "Jenny Jones is getting the best head she's ever had!" you'd better change your technique, bro. No woman should be distracted enough during cunnilingus to think about anything but your face between her legs. If she is, this is your problem, not hers. Any woman would attest to the veracity of this statement.
But truth be told, you're probably not going to make significant headway (so to speak) merely by flicking your tongue here instead of there. 'Cause even when you're not properly and successfully faceplanted in her crotch, she's going to revert back to squinting longingly at teeny tiny screens for hours on end after the moaning and quaking has ceased. Simply put, when the flower suckling is complete, the little bee is bound to go back to her hive.
So once you've tried in vain to beat 'em, why don't you give joining 'em a shot? Take an stab at social media and her life online for yourself, and maybe it'll give your life offline a little boost. Be interested in what she's interested in, and maybe she'll stop being so reclusive with her Internet usage. Even if you're no Twitter aficionado, connecting with your girlfriend in her virtual realm will hopefully get her to spend more time in the realm of reality with you.
As an aside, here's to hoping you don't discover that her tweets are all directed at some graphic designer in Istanbul that swears he'll lick her better than you do, if only they could transcend boundaries. 'Cause that's another bag o' worms altogether, yo.
Peace, love, and blogs,
Social Media Swami
Suffering from social media syphilis? Antibiotics are in plentiful supply via the Social Media Swami. Leave a comment or send a question to email@example.com.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Game Control: Just How Overwhelmed Have The 2015 Houston Texans Been?
- Report: Antiabortion Law Leads to Longer Wait Times at Clinics
- Harden 2.0: How James Harden Became Houston’s Biggest Crossover Sports Celebrity