Social Distortion: It's Time For Social Media 101

Social Distortion: It's Time For Social Media 101

It's obvious you've been going along these past few weeks, pretending you know what social media is. But dude, it's written all over your face. You have no idea what the hell this blog is about. Good thing patience is in plentiful supply today, or else you'd be shit outta luck.

Q: So tell me, what the hell is "social media" anyway?

A. Look, you know how to talk, right? Assuming so. That's all social media is. It's a new way of talking to people. You're just taking the conversation online instead of having it in person. Web denizens (i.e., geeks) figured this out years ago. That's why they've slapped a term of art on it and have been scoring cyber ass for much longer than you.

Q: I've already got a website. Why would I need this "social media" crap?

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A. Because there's a difference, bro. Websites are static. Websites don't change very often. Websites are like bullhorns. Or your mother-in-law. Websites (and your mother-in-law) blast information to anyone and everyone, but who knows who the hell is listening, or if anyone's even interested (read: outlook not so good)? With social media, you know who's down with the shit you're saying, 'cause you're engaging them. No, you're not putting a ring on it. You're saying things, and folks can react to them. It's a chance to discover how boring you probably are. Maybe you'll make a change for once in your life. Start with the man in the mirror.

Q. I still don't get it. This is obtuse. Inane. Downright useless. Can you make some sense already?

A. Fine. A real life example. Say you meet someone on the street (clearly, you're in Montrose, since it's the only place you'd actually be on the street). Say she's super smokin', and yes, she wants to talk to you. You introduce yourselves, you manhandle her with your eyes (pervert), and Super Smokin' proceeds to talk about herself. And herself. And herself. For twenty minutes straight, you listen to this chick talk about herself. She doesn't ask a single question about you, she doesn't allow you to ask any questions. 'Course, you're probably used to that, but not for almost half an hour. All you get to do is stare at her rack and wonder if they're fake or not. Okay, that's a website.

On the other hand, say you meet the same saucy morsel on the street. Instead of merely launching into a story about herself, she talks about her job (she's a nun), and asks about yours. Aside from being completely disappointed that you're not gonna be motorboating those tits any time soon (they're real), you chat about following your passions and other shit made for Lifetime movies. You share common experiences (although not the ones you'd originally hoped, nor in the positions you'd originally envisioned). You're interacting. You're sharing. You're relating. You're connecting. That's exactly what social media is.

Q. So, "social media" is Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and blogging, right?

A. Well, if you understand it a little more broadly, it'll make more sense to you (read: you're dense; here's help). Social media is divided into eight basic categories:

1. Social networking: Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, imeem 2. Blogs: WordPress, Blogger, Typepad 3. Video sharing: YouTube, Vimeo, Viddler, Metacafe 4. Photo sharing: Flickr, Picasa, SmugMug 5. Microblogging: Twitter, Yammer, Plurk 6. Social bookmarking: Digg, delicious, Kirtsy 7. Podcasting: PodcastAlley, Apple Podcasts 8. Wikis: PBworks, Wikipedia

Q. What the fuck?! You're telling me I have to use all of those sites?

A. No, calm down. You don't have to use all of them. But in order to make social media work for you (whether it be to market a business or make the whole city of Houston realize your greatness), you do need to select one -- or a few -- and you need to dedicate time to them. Think of it as a flower garden, you pansy. You need to nurture these online relationships, as you would with any offline friendship. If you completely neglect your romantic partner, for example, your dude's gonna go sleep with other women, right? The same goes for networks and communities you build via social media avenues. In short, don't forego the blowjobs and they won't go patronizing whorehouses. So to speak, of course.

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