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Steve Stockman Wants Zygotes as Armed as the Rest of Us

Arm 'em! Arm 'em to the baby teeth!
Arm 'em! Arm 'em to the baby teeth!

After vowing to impeach President Obama and inviting Ted Nugent to this year's State of the Union address, it's clear that Steve Stockman is just the gift that keeps on giving. And now, it seems it's your turn to give someone the gift that Steve Stockman, and the rest of the far-right loon-bin, can stand firmly behind.

According to Stockman's campaign Twitter feed -- the Congressman is up for reelection in 2014 -- there seems one logical solution to the issue of abortion that, forty years into its legalization, continues to bring moral ruin to the infanticidal maniacs sitting in Washington. Per a new bumper sticker released Thursday, the only way to keep the li'l zygotes from reaching fruition is to toss them some Colt .45s and let God sort 'em out.

As the new bumper sticker reads, "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted." Ignoring every sort of plea of logic and disdain and guttural scream you might be mustering, let's give Stockman the benefit of the doubt and say that he doesn't actually believe it's feasible to swing a sawed-off into a womb. (As one Tweeter said, "I highly doubt that a fetus would have the strength or dexterity to pull the trigger & would be killed by the recoil anyway.") Ignore, also, the seeming insistence that mothers have suddenly turned into monarchical tyrants, or that there is, you know, no correlation whatsoever between gun rates per capita and democracy and personal freedoms.

Ignore all that. Because that's the only way you're going to keep your lunch down, and the only way you'll manage to keep your composure long enough to send in an order for enough bumper stickers to later plaster all over your body next Halloween. Can just see it now: "Baretta Baby -- Putting the Die Back in Diaper!"

Not to mention a t-shirt saying "(Armed) Baby On Board." The Be Sharps would have to re-work their famous hit ("Into a rappity hip-hopper song," Stockman and his hipper supporters would no doubt add.)

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