Tale of the Tape: Douchy Astro Boyfriend vs Frightened Diamondback Boyfriend
Through three games, your Houston Astros are 1-2. Believe it or not, that's the good news. Yes, a 54 win pace is the good news.
Here's the bad news:
They were one out away from having a perfect game dropped on them by Yu Darvish. They are the first team in the live ball era (since 1920) to have 15 or more strikeouts (hitting) and score no runs in consecutive games. The 43 strikeouts by Astro hitters are the most ever in the first three games to start a season.
Point being, satisfaction is going to in short supply out at the old ball yard this season. We will have to derive it in other ways, in other forms, maybe even from other ball parks. Schadenfreude might be our only solution.
Therefore, baseball gods, please bring on more plays like this one:
Houston Texans vs. Cleveland Browns
TicketsSun., Oct. 15, 12:00pm
TicketsSat., Oct. 21, 7:00pm
Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts
TicketsSun., Nov. 5, 12:00pm
Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals
TicketsSun., Nov. 19, 12:00pm
Houston Texans vs. San Francisco 49ers
TicketsSun., Dec. 10, 12:00pm
Who says chivalry is dead? Well, that guy at the Cards-Diamondbacks game, apparently. He maimed, crippled, and took a big steamy dump on chivalry as he played matador with that incoming baseball and allowed it to drill his (presumed) girlfriend in the head.
If that scene looks familiar to Astro fans, it should. It was just a few seasons ago that some dude named Bo made viral news everywhere when he allowed this line drive foul ball to carom off of his girlfriend's arm.
Remember? (Fast forward to 3:10 mark)
Just for fun, let's do a Tale of the Tape and figure out who is the worse boyfriend:
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name: Bo Nickname: Bo the Bailer Hometown: Houston, TX
Name: Some random dork Diamondback fan Nickname: El Matador Hometown: Somewhere near Phoenix, AZ
FOUL BALL AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUE Bo: Held his hands up as if he was making an effort, albeit a half hearted one, to catch the ball. Missed it by five feet, but at least pretended to make a play on it. El Matador: Jumped out of the way like he was being targeted with a nuclear warhead, capped off by a slight (and somewhat effeminate) hop upon impact. DISADVANTAGE: EL MATADOR
DOUCHE FACTOR Bo: Flavor saver patch of hair on his chin and a ball cap tipped deep to the right. Also, he sounds like he reads at a first grade level. And finally, he kept the ball for himself. Bo oozes douche. El Matador: Not a douche as much as he is a dork. Also, the fact that, unlike Bo, El Matador actually seems to care that his girlfriend is concussed almost removes him from the douche radar entirely. DISADVANTAGE: BO
INJURY TO GIRLFRIEND Bo: Sara (I think that was her name) had a semi deep foul ball boink off of her elbow. Big deal. El Matador: Had a 400 plus foot bomb drill her in the cranium. Concussion always trumps deep bruises. DISADVANTAGE: EL MATADOR
QUALITY OF GIRLFRIEND Bo: Sara is strong to very strong, and not afraid to show it as we found out in a gallery of semi-nude pictures posted on Deadspin. El Matador: Hard to tell, other than she is on the full figured side. Regardless of body type, right now she does have a huge welt on her face. That matters. DISADVANTAGE: EL MATADOR
SIGNIFICANCE OF INCIDENT Bo: Bo was the first really terrible baseball boyfriend to get exposed on YouTube. This incident was groundbreaking enough to wind up as fodder on Tosh.0 El Matador: Barely registered on the viral scale. DISADVANTAGE: BO
SUMMARY While El Matador "wins" in three of the "Worse Boyfriend" categories, under the Pendergast scoring system for shitty boyfriends, the Douche Factor category counts triple. If this were an election, Douche Factor would have the electoral votes of California and the other four categories would be Delaware, Rhode Island, and the Dakotas. The capper is Bo saying that he lost the ball in the lights.
You suck, Bo. You suck.
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