Despite the fact that the Houston Texans have yet to field a winning team after seven seasons, or come close to sniffing the playoffs, and despite their inability to make a significant free agent acquisition, and despite just general incompetence on the field and in the front office, the Houston Texans decided on Friday afternoon to announce that they are raising ticket prices by 3.7 percent and that parking costs are increasing by three dollars.
The Texans are raising prices despite the economy being so bad that even Drayton McLane, who's never found a ticket price he couldn't jack up, has refused to jack up prices this season. And this is despite the fact that the NFL itself is laying off people. And this is despite the fact that, just last week, multiple organizations that employ thousands of Houstonians announced that they were either undergoing massive layoffs or were closing entirely.
But don't worry. We here at Ballz have done a little brainstorming, and we've come up with ten ways for you to be able to afford Bob McNair's overpriced and underperforming product.
10. The money that you save by not buying peanut butter products should allow you to easily handle Bob's price increases.
9. Screw Reliant Park parking. Take the Metro Rail.
8. Not buying a beer inside of Reliant Stadium should allow you to easily make up for the increased ticket costs.
7. Since there are no longer any places to buy high-priced electronics anyway, just forget about that big screen plasma and use that money for Texans seasons tickets.
6. Just withdraw your money from the bank and stuff it in your mattress. The interest earned should still be about the same, and the money saved from bank and ATM fees should put you in a position so that you can even afford to buy a beer and a hotdog inside Reliant Stadium.
5. Refuse to buy Houston Rocket tickets until T-Mac makes it through a season without getting injured.
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4. Forget about a retirement fund. With the way the economy is tanking, you're going to have to keep working until you die anyway.
3. After living through Ike, you should have figured that you can live without electricity.
2. Hey, if Paul Blart: Mall Cop is the best they can do, you really don't need to be going to the movies anyway.
1. The Houston Astros' major off-season acquisitions have been Aaron Boone and Mike Hampton. So just use the money you save by not buying Astros tickets to pay for your Texans tickets.