Sometime before the 2014 college football season, the SEC will launch its own television network. With 14 schools, the station probably won't be as challenged for content as its ESPN-owned brethren the Longhorn Network, but 24 hours is still a lot of time to fill every single day, even with 14 sources for items to fill the grid.
Thankfully, nowadays, not only do you have the on the field sporting events to broadcast, along with coaches shows, highlights, and historical games, but with fans having iPhones and editing software, they diehards are not afraid to contribute as well. Thankfully!
The trend lately has been for SEC fans to sit down in a chair, prop their iPhone or video recorder on a desk or chair, press RECORD, and begin belting out homemade lyrics, some of which hover in between "uncomfortable" and "homoerotic."
To refresh, on the most recent examples:
We had the Arkansas fan, Wesley Wells, singing his ode to the Razorbacks' new head coach Bret Bielema in "I'm a Bielemer!":
If it's possible, that song has gotten worse over the last two weeks.
Then we got this one late last week from a Kentucky fan/Larry David lookalike:
There's nothing I can really add to Clay Travis' razor sharp analysis of this video that Clay hasn't already hit. The only thing I would say is that Fake Larry David's tone and pitch make him sound like at some point along the way he was rejected as a musical voice for a "down home country" commercial for, like, Folgers or Blue Bell.
Can't you hear Big Blue Flag Shaker Guy melodramatically bellowing that "The best part of wakin' up, is Folgers in your cup...."? I totally can.
Ok, so those are my comments on Kentucky Fan. Thankfully, the lengths to which SEC fans will go to welcome ridicule knows no bounds, and yesterday Tennessee threw its hat into the ring.
Behold the creatively titled "Butch Jones Song," with Zapruder analysis afterwards:
0:02 -- "Special thanks to HoundDogs!" Thanks, HoundDogs! I'm sure HoundDogs is thrilled to have their names on this, whoever they are.
0:05 -- The main character in this video (I hesitate to call him a "singer," because as you will see he is not a very good singer), we will call him "Joe Vol," is sitting at a desk with a Tennessee visor and a Tennessee t-shirt, and is apparently googling Marquez North (Vol wide receiver) so that he can write some haikus about him, obviously feeling safe to jump into the deep end of the poetry pool (Counting 5-7-5! Look the hell out!).
0:21 -- Sultry piano rift begins playing in the background and we find out that Joe Vol wrote a song for the Rocky Top peeps, even dropping a "tickling the ivories" reference in! JV starts screaming at whomever is on the other end of the phone that he does indeed know how to sing, that he wrote the song with "Earl and 'em." I'm not sure what the bigger favorite was -- JV having a friend named "Earl" or his referring to the rest of his friends as "and 'em."
0:32 -- We get a peek at JV's studio, and it's fairly obvious by looking in the background that, given the plethora of children's items, he may have reproduced at some point. That's not good. The Tennessee Vol gnome on the desk is a nice touch, though (if it were 1993).
0:34 -- The first few words come out of JV's mouth and it turns out that the guy does a spot on impersonation of Eric Cartman from South Park. Hopefully, once he's done belting out this abortion of a song, he can sing "Kyle's Mom's A Bitch":
0:46 -- "BUTCH JOOONES!" Yikes, right up in our face! Way too sudden on that angle change. And he looks like he's about to cry as he flashes his hip hand signals, and repeats Butch Jones' name over and over again. If you listen carefully, you can hear Butch Jones calling his attorney and seeing if he can get that restraining order sent "express."
1:05 -- Sometimes musicians try to overthink the lyrics and get too cute with the rhymes or the imagery. No worries about that here:
"Yeah he's gonna kick your ass, and he's gonna kick your ass, and he's gonna kick your ass... BUTCH JONES!"
1:24 -- The split screen shot with the (presumably) fake goober Alabama fan. Tennessee taking dental and intelligence shots at Alabama is pretty funny to me, like Tony Soprano calling out Bobby Bacala for being fat.
1:26 -- JV rips off his Tennessee shirt to reveal a "Butch Please" t-shirt, just as he's saying "Butch please" in the song, and follows that up with a "Butch Please" 2x4. Add ten bonus production value points.
2:09 -- Now we're out on the back patio with JV. Same lyrics, different part of the house. This video officially became a musical version of Cribs. Can't wait until JV does the third verse in his Godfather room in front of his shark tank.
2:26 -- Fake Bama fan openly admits for one refrain that Butch Jones is gonna kick their ass, and while Butch Jones may very well personally pummel a few dentally challenged Alabama fans in the parking lot or on the field, but I doubt Nick Saban is losing sleep over the Tennessee game this or any season.
2:56 -- Out of nowhere, Joe Vol pokes his head out of a shower, fully lathered up (face included), and with the visor still on his head. He sings one line then it's back to the fully clothed head shot. The video is now officially rated R with partial nudity and full stupidity.
3:26 -- Ok, on the 35th utterance of the lyric "He's gonna kick your ass" it' safe to say we've crossed over into laziness. Also, someone needs to tell Joe Vol that even when you're lip synching, you still need to act like you're singing into the microphone. It's the little things.
3:30 -- Are those JORT swimming trunks? I choose to believe YES.
3:48 -- Now is probably a fair time to ask "Um, dude, are you ever going to hang up any of those pictures on the floor in the background on your walls?"
3:55 -- This song has officially crossed over into "60 seconds too long" territory, as Joe Vol just screams "BUTCH JONES!" multiple times while doing some version of the melodramatic vertical breast stroke move with his arms.
4:10 -- A few more "Vols are gonna kick your ass" and mercifully this thing comes to an end.
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Bottom line: If the SEC Network wants to create an American Idol style show featuring all of these mouth breathing rednecks singing their original songs, I am begging they make me a judge. I'll even speak in a British accent (not easy) and be mean (really easy).
Just promise me, SEC fans, you'll keep making these videos.
Your move, Ole Miss Fan.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.