Texans & The Cowboys: A Five-Point Scientific Comparison
Kickoff for the big Texans-Cowboys game (aka "Wade Phillips Farewell") is drawing nigh.
We will have analysis from our sports guys today and tomorrow. We have already had the utter lameness of "trash talk" between the mayors. (What does this even mean, from KTRK: "It gives me a much better feeling to have a winning team that's backing me, as is a losing team that's backing him," said Mayor [Annise] Parker.)
What is needed now is a calm, reasoned, scientifically researched study on the key differences between the two teams.
We are ready to offer it.
U of H Cougars Baseball v Texas A&M Corpus Christi
TicketsWed., May. 11, 5:00pm
Rice Owls Men's Baseball vs. Florida Atlantic University Owls Baseball
TicketsFri., May. 13, 7:00pm
Houston Dynamo vs. Real Salt Lake
TicketsSat., May. 14, 7:15pm
U of H Cougars Baseball v Tulane
TicketsThu., May. 19, 6:30pm
5. Fan Base
Cowboys: Obnoxious blowhards who seem utterly blind to the fact their team has stunk for years and years.
Texans: Salt of the earth Real Americans who know their team has stunk for years and years.
Cowboys: Tony Romo, who would rather have sex with Jessica Simpson than participate in a dreary, pointless end-of-season practice.
Texans: Matt Schaub, who probably feels the same way but never had the opportunity to put it to the test.
3. Drug of choice:
Cowboys: Depending on the era, weed, crack or powder cocaine.
Texans: Performance-enhancing drugs that are ingested either by innocent mistake or to combat vicious tumors attacking your body.
Cowboys: Wade Phillips, for the moment. No one is quite sure why he still has the job.
Texans: Gary Kubiak, for the moment. If the Texans don't make the playoffs this year, everyone will be quite sure why he doesn't have a job.
Cowboys: An utterly overbuilt, garish airplane hangar of a place that is essentially the world's most expensive sports bar, as fans pay a hefty cover charge and drink high-priced beers in order to watch the game on a hi-def big-screen TV.
Texans: A perfectly fine facility that has definitively proven that opening the roof to intimidate the black-clad Steelers is an awful, awful idea.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.