Texans-Bears: NEW BATTLE-DRINK Bingo Drinking Card, "Cutler Messes You Up" Version
For a franchise that was lucky to play one primetime game per season for so many seasons, this whole "Texans on national television" thing is getting to be old hat! For the third time in the last five games, the Texans will show their wares in front of a national audience as they travel to Chicago to take on the 7-1 Bears.
Many are saying this could be a preview of the Super Bowl, so when you consider that the Super Bowl is taking place in the drinking capital of the free world, New Orleans, it's only right that we try and simulate Super Bowl Sunday by drinking as much as our livers can humanly take.
With that in mind, here is the latest Battle-Drink BINGO drinking game card for this week's epic Texans-Bears clash, with an overview of this week'd card's features:
I1 -- Each Shaun Cody snap played Normally, a player merely playing a snap wouldn't be a big deal. Not unless that player had a punctured lung. Yes, that's right, Texans nose tackle Shaun Cody's rib injury has been diagnosed as a punctured lung. Now, I've never had broken or even bruised ribs before, let alone a punctured lung, but I hear it's one of the most intrusive, painful injuries you can sustain. If Cody plays in this game, we owe it to him to salute his bravery in the only way we know how -- by drinking. On every snap he plays.
I3 -- Jay Cutler sad face I realize that Jay Cutler's face is perpetually sad, so to be clear, I am not asking you to drink every time they show his face. We will limit this one to shots of Cutler's face with helmet off only. Fair?
I4 -- Announcer says "Da Bears"
N4 -- Charles Tillman fumblepunch Bears cornerback Charles Tillman has perfected the art of punching the football out of an opposing player's hands, to the point where if he were a wrestler, this would be his finishing move and the announcers would be calling it the Fumblepunch:
N5 -- Charles Tillman's wife gives birth Speaking of Tillman, a story began circulating on Wednesday that Tillman would possibly miss this Sunday's game if his pregnant wife went into labor on Sunday. How much of that story is true and how much of that story is Tillman stirring the pot is up for debate, but he followed that up on Thursday by saying he would play Sunday night and his wife would give birth Monday. There's still time for this baby to get impatient, though.
G2 -- Donnie Jones punt inside the 5 yd line The Texans special teams have been, by and large, underwhelming this season. They have broken no big plays in the return game, and the kick coverage units are constantly yielding good field position to the opposition. The one bright spot has been punter Donnie Jones, so it's about time he represent on Battle-Drink. Welcome to the board, DJ!
G5 -- Jon Weeks tackle My first regret as commissioner of Battle-Drink happened last week. I removed "Jon Weeks makes a tackle" from last week's board, thinking it had run its course with Weeks getting no tackles in Battle-Drink history. And wouldn't you know it, the one week that I remove that square Weeks goes into "beast mode," runs down, and makes a tackle against the Bills. Well, with five shotguns on the line, we're going to make up for lost time this week. Go get 'em, 46!
O1 -- Connor Barwin sack Barwin had a sack last week so we keep the Barwin sack "SHOT" square on "O1."
O2 -- Jay Cutler fumble O3 -- Jay Cutler throws a pick six O4 -- Jay Cutler snubs Mike Tice O5 -- Jay Cutler fights his entire offensive line If the Texans win this game, it will be because their front seven gets pressure on Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and forces him into some mistakes, which means that if the Texans win and you're Battle-Drinking, there's a good chance you don't make it to work the next day.
Predicted intake: 109 sips, 54 gulps, 6 chugs, 4 shotguns, 3 shots
Final score prediction: Bears 17, Texans 16
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.