Texans-Bills: NEW BATTLE-DRINK Bingo Drinking Card, "Judgment Day" Version
According to Wikipedia, "Judgment Day" is defined as the following:
In Christian theology, it is the final and eternal judgment by God of every nation. The concept is found in all the Canonical gospels, particularly the Gospel of Matthew. It will purportedly take place after the Resurrection of the Dead and the Second Coming of Christ. This belief has inspired numerous artistic depictions.
Pretty heavy stuff.
According to Mario Williams, "Judgment Day" is defined as the following:
The day on which Mario Williams returns to Houston to butt heads with his former teammates as the overpaid centerpiece of the worst defense in football.
REALLY heavy stuff.
Every NFL team gets a bye week during the season, and it just so happens that the Texans' bye week happened to fall on the week before Mario's return to Houston. There's a part of me that's thankful the NFL calendar worked out this way as it actually gave us something Texans-related to talk about on the radio, even with no game last Sunday.
There's a bigger part of me that, by the time 11 a.m. rolled around Thursday and my show was over, was ready to blow my brains out if I had to say the words "Mario Williams" one more time. (And yes, I realize I am a HUGE part of the problem. I get it.)
So Sunday can't get here soon enough, and frankly a much better way than actual ammunition to numb the Mario pain is our good friend alcohol. So to that end, we unveil the latest edition of Texans Battle-Drink, the BINGO Drinking Game sweeping the nation.
There are a lot of the usual squares on here, which means there should be a nice, balanced intake come Sunday, but as usual I give you a brief overview of the Week 9-specific tweaks:
B3 -- Antonio Smith ninja move This one is on the card every week, but it's fun to point out that in the Ravens game, Antonio Smith sacked Joe Flacco in the second half and faked the ninja move, forcing Houston to collectively spill their drinks just before their sip. Everyone (especially alcoholics) was pissed! How could he do that to us? Then the very next play, this happened:
Antonio Smith is a great human being for many reasons, not the least of which is he hooked up drinkers one play after seemingly crushing their world. Also, side note, Antonio appears on my radio show every Monday is now aware of Battle-Drink. VERY awesome.
B4 -- Video shot of ULTIMATE Texan Fan In case you didn't know, this is not a general reference to super diehard, painted up Texans maniacs. This is a specific reference to this super diehard, painted up Texans maniac.
I1 -- Justin Forsett carry Ben Tate's hamstring continues to be an issue, and if you are reading into some of the latest Kubiak-speak, Tate's general brittleness continues to be a major issue that seems to have the organization evaluating the overall Ben Tate Experience. For purposes of this weekend, it could mean some carries for Justin Forsett against the worst rushing defense in the league.
I4 -- "Ryan Fitzpatrick, Ivy Leaguer" mention For whatever reason, announcers feel the need to point out Ivy Leaguers around the NFL, like they're some sort of house pet that's been released in the wild, striving to thrive in a very unnatural habitat.
I5 -- Frank Reich mentioned by name G1 -- Mention of '93 Playoff debacle This is where the failures of the Oilers wind up, in a roundabout way, on the Texans ticket once again. The game is in Houston, so this will get brought up.
G4 -- The WAVE! Nooooo!! If someone dare start the wave at the game they should know that they will be poisoning the livers of their fellow Texan fans. Think before you wave, people.
O1 -- Connor Barwin sack Barwin finally got off the schneid against the Ravens with a sack for a safety in the first quarter, forcing all Battle-Drinkers to take their two shots and like it. I've made the determination that Connor Barwin's ability to get to the quarterback will be a "SHOT" column fixture this year. His quest for a new contract will also be our quest for rehab. So every week Barwin goes without a sack, we add one shot. And when he gets a sack, we move him back to the "1 SHOT" square the following week. And on and on we go. Here's to hoping the sack in the Ravens game is the beginning of big things for Barwin and the "Barwin sack" square staying on "1 SHOT" the rest of the season.
O3 -- Mario Williams sack O4 -- Mario Williams fumble recovery O5 -- Mario Williams touchdown All right, Mario. Here's your chance for revenge. Time to not only shut up the haters, but kill them all, one million brain cells at a time.
Predicted Drink Intake: 93 sips, 54 gulps, 14 chugs, 2 shotguns, 4 shots Predicted Final Score: Texans 34, Bills 17
Judgment Day, indeed.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- What Would a Four Super-Conference College Football Structure Look Like?
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00am
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 2:30pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 6:00pm
- A Seismic Shift: What is the Future of the Big 12?
- Blue Bell is Back and Mattress Mack is Celebrating (Of Course)