I think you probably realize that when I put this Battle-Drink card together each week, many of the entries are done with tongue firmly planted in cheek. I don't expect B.J. Raji to eat Toro, or for Toro to crash his four-wheeler, or for Jon Weeks to get a tackle. That's why I put these in the ridiculous "5 row" under "Shotgun" or "Shots."
So when I say that I had no idea J.J. Watt would mimic Aaron Rodgers's "discount double check" belt move, thus forcing you to do five shotguns, you have to believe me! Your liver has to believe me! I swear I had no idea he was going to do that.
So assuming you've recovered, let's get ready for some hair off the dog that bit ya, and go to this week's Battle-Drink BINGO drinking game card!
First, let's point out a few nuances of this week's card for the huge matchup of our 5-1 Texans against the hated 5-1 Baltimore Ravens:
N4 -- Promo for Survivor: Philippines I couldn't decide which CBS program to put in the "promo drink" square, but ultimately settled on Survivor: Philippines in honor of former Astro Jeff Kent. Also, I just don't think cross-promoting football with Two Broke Girls was going to happen nearly as much over the course of a game.
G3 -- Any reference to The Wire Television has been around for a while, to the point where now every major city probably has a show that is identified with it. For Baltimore, it's a no brainer. It's The Wire. So any reference to Ray Lewis as Omar Little, or Joe Flacco as a unibrowed, sober version of McNulty...these will result in drinks. O2 -- Connor Barwin sack Another week, another sackless game for number 98, so it begs the question -- when do we press the "PANIC" button on Connor Barwin's lack of production? Six games without a sack would be a major cause for alarm if the overall defense weren't playing so well thus far in 2012, although the game on Sunday against the Packers was a game where Connor Barwin, if he aspires to get paid as an elite pass rusher (which is where many thought this was headed after last season), needed to make a one-on-one play to knock Aaron Rodgers off his game. J.J. Watt can't do it himself.
So Battle-Drink-wise, here's what we're doing -- with every week that Barwin goes sackless, we are adding an additional shot. An alcohol poisoning "skins game," of sorts.
O3 -- Replay of Jacoby's '12 playoff fumble O4 -- Jacoby returns a punt/kick for a TD O5 -- Jacoby hits Toro with a chair This is Jacoby's chance to get back at everyone who threw dog shit on his lawn last January. Four shots for a return for touchdown. FOUR.
Projected drink intake: 87 sips, 32 gulps, ten chugs, three shotguns and four shots.
Predicted final score: Texans 30, Ravens 13
And here it is, the Official Texans-Ravens Battle-Drink Card:
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