Texans' Starter Sunday Will Be....Not T.J. Yates
As the bodies continue to pile up over on Kirby, let's take inventory of where the Texans are with their offensive personnel.
They will likely be starting the fifth running back in the pecking order this Sunday, Jonathan Grimes, who was picked up off the street a week ago. (NOTE: I hope that was a tasty "black and mild," Cierre Wood.) They will likely be starting their third string tight end, rookie Ryan Griffin. Keshawn Martin has been their best playmaker at wide receiver the last two weeks. Derek Newton still exists.
Yeah, this is the bad time, no doubt.
And yet Case Keenum nurses a sore thumb and Matt Schaub nurses the fact that he is Matt Schaub, and despite leaving the door slightly ajar on Monday for a T.J. Yates sighting, the forgotten third stringer will remain stapled to the bench this Sunday in Nashville:
"Both of the other guys (Keenum and Schaub) have played a whole lot, and going into the last game, they gave us the best opportunity," Phillips said. "It just would be hard for T.J. to come in after not playing any the whole year."
So not even a Jim Carrey-style "So you're tellin' me there's a chance..."
Honestly, at this point in the season, with the Redskins still a mathematical possibility to get the first overall pick (before immediately having to cede it to the Rams because of the RG3 trade in 2012), whatever gives the Texans the best chance to lose on Sunday, I'm all for it. Thirteen losses in row. We've come this far, Texans, let's not screw it up now.
In fact, this weekend would be a good one for Phillips to just go experimenting with all sorts of lineup quirks, like when your kids play Madden and see if they can get to the Super Bowl using Sebastian Janikowski as their quarterback in "franchise mode." Seriously, Wade, why not dust off T.J. Yates and put him under center?
And while you're at it, why not a few more moves?
Can we move Shiloh Keo from safety over to corner? I think we can all see that he's not an NFL caliber safety, let's really embarrass him and put him on an island one on one in man coverage against Nate Washington!
Can we actually use long snapper Jon Weeks for something other than long snapping? I'm thinking let's deploy him the same way the Rams deploy Tavon Austin or the Saints use Darren Sproles. Put him in the slot, use him as a kick returner, maybe even have him run a little wildcat. It's about time Texan fans get to see Jon Weeks, Swiss Army knife.
Can we have all of Bullock's field goal and extra point attempts executed drop kick style (or the way the second half of the season has gone, I should say both attempts, since two is about the per game average)? We don't see that nearly enough anymore!
Can you make the offensive linemen chug egg nog before each series? I want to see who the first one to puke would be. (Derek Newton is -2000.)
I'm not greedy, Wade, I just want Teddy Bridgewater, that's all. So cement your legacy, Coach. Go all Madden "who gives a shit" mode. They'll build you a statue outside Reliant Stadium right next to the fornicating bulls.
Do it, Wade. It's the only way.
Starting January 3, 2014, listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.