This latest update to the Texans Tracker is evidence of at least three things:
1. Having authored four entries now (out of nine total) on the graphic, Bleacher Report's Matt Miller is dominating the silly season of baseless, mind-numbing conjecture. He's just flat-out consistent, with one every week to ten days. Miller is like the San Antonio Spurs of bullshit.
2. Just when you think that you've heard the dumbest draft tidbit (Peter King's ridiculous "FORS" nugget about Khalil Mack -- Friends Of Rick Smith, get it?), the draft expert community reminds you that the blather pool is bottomless.
3. The draft needs to get here. Like, now.
To that end, I give you the first Texans Tracker update where we unequivocally eliminate one of the Texans' NRG Stadium visitors from #1/#1 consideration.
Sorry, Teddy Bridgewater, your knees are just too damn skinny.
For the complete updated Texans Tracker, see below.
Yeah, you heard me.
Teddy Bridgewater's knees are just too f**king skinny. In a league where we need stout, fortified knees, Bridgewater's knees are apparently some flimsy combination of pipe cleaners and paper clips. At least that's what Matt Miller is saying:
I've actually heard from a few NFL people about Bridgewater having skinny knees. Fear it leaves him unprotected to hits there. @RobKramar
— Matt Miller (@nfldraftscout) April 27, 2014
I thought that the height of silly was 40 yard dash times for defensive linemen (who, if they're running 40 yards in a straight line, are probably chasing some guy who will soon be scoring a touchdown). I thought that scouts getting worked up into a lather about an offensive lineman having arms half an inch shorter than "optimal" was ridiculous.
But skinny knees. That might never be topped.
Because the last thing you want is for your quarterback to be running around and have his knees snap in half like a chicken bone. We've seen this happen all the time. Right?.....Um, right?
I mean, think of the list of players who have torn up their knees over the past few seasons, a list that includes such majestic, herculean knees as those of Brian Cushing, Adrian Peterson and Rob Gronkowski. I mean, those are some Grade A knees. If knees could have washboard abs and strong chins, the knees of those three guys most certainly would.
And if it could happen to them, how can Teddy Bridgewater expect to survive in the NFL with his bulimic, Kenyan-marathon-runner-level scrawny knees?
Short answer: He just can't. At least that's what I will choose to believe.
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Until they bring me to the fortress of solitude where Mel Kiper and Todd McShay and the rest of the overthink tank constructs their mock drafts and Mad Libs the "trolly physical oddity of the week" for all of us to devour on talk radio ("Hey, Mel, watch this...I'm gonna tell Miller that Bridgewater has skinny knees..."), I will believe that Teddy Bridgewater's anorexic knees will be the undoing of his future employer.
And this sad bit of news virtually guarantees that said employer will not be the Texans. You can't take skinny knees with the first overall pick. You just can't.
Not when Johnny Manziel's colossal hands and massive clown feet are sitting right there ready to rescue your franchise.