If every state in America was a schoolchild on a playground, Texas would be the fat kid playing by himself, dreaming of a day when he can float away and form his own playground, damn it. Basically, that's what this year's "F As In Fat" study found, which studied obesity by state. Texas was the 12th-fattest in the nation, surpassed mostly by states more Southern than it (Mississippi number one, Alabama number two.)
Frankly, we're sick of everyone -- especially these Yankees -- picking on Texas. The study proves the whole country's disgusting. Fifteen years ago, Mississippi still had the highest obesity rate (19.4 percent). But now, that's lower than the LOWEST ranking state today, Colorado (19.8 percent.) What the fudge? Just as disturbing: Almost a third of all Americans 17-24 are too heavy to join the military. So before you crack an "everything's bigger in Texas" joke, at least hear out our reasons why we're fat. Here are the facts behind the folds.
5. We're too busy having sex to work out That's right, all you D.C. Barbies. Fat people get laid too. Texas claimed four of the ten spots on Men's Health magazine's Most Sex-Happy Cities rankings. Sex, and the obligatory breakfasts that come after (hey, at least Southern men know how to treat a woman), have kept us far away from the elliptical. Sorry for partying.
4. Our authenticity forces us to order margaritas with salt You pretty much have to drink to live here. And if you're going to imbibe in Texas, you're going to have your share of margaritas. And if you're going to order margaritas, you'd better get them with salt.
But salt maybe lowers the risk of heart disease, and tacos have lettuce, right? Really, it's difficult to see why 67 percent of us are overweight or obese. Maybe we all need to eat more legumes -- refried legumes.
3. It's too hot to _____ Run, walk, play, move; fill in the blank however you like. In Texas, it's too hot to do anything but drive and sit, which explains our ranking as ninth in the nation for physical inactivity. We're not alone. Except for Michigan, the crowning ten obese states are in the South. Just pour another sweet tea and forget about it.
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2. You're fat, it's your fault, don't sue us If you make the unwise and unattractive choice to become obese, we in Texas take away your rights. The study shows that Texas is one of 24 states with obesity liability laws, which protect restaurants, manufacturers and marketers from being sued by fatties who claim they were driven to obesity.
We here in Texas say obesity is always a choice. Yes, sure, high obesity rates correlate strongly with high poverty rates (Texas has the sixth-highest poverty rate), but if we can get our butts to Central Market for organics, so can you.
1. We don't fat-shame our children. Nine states have childhood obesity rates greater than 20 percent. Yeah, we're one of them. The Yankee study suggests that children learn bad eating habits from us, the parents; that we let them watch too much TV; that our schools aren't teaching nutrition and that on-campus advertisements push for soda and candy.
We know what this is really about: fat-shaming. I'm not about to tell my half-ton teen that he's any less important because he's bigger than average! All of God's children are beautiful and precious and made in His image, and who are we to say how much God weighs? We're guessing it's a lot. Now, have another Ding Dong for being such a good boy.