The Cult of Dani Campbell
Okay, so I suppose it’s time to admit that I’ve caught a little bit of MTV’s “A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila,” and all I really have to say about that is HOW COULD SHE HAVE CHOSEN BOBBY OVER DANI?
I mean, really. Houston’s very own Vietnamese MySpace nymphette Tila Tequila (whose head shape reminds me of that classic alien head we see in all those Roswell sketches) chose the boy over the girl in her bisexual dating show. This leads me to believe that while the jury is still out on Tila’s alleged bisexuality, she is definitely, without a doubt, totally freaking crazy. Why? Because most straight women I know would have preferred dating Dani, the girl, over Bobby, the boy. And by “boy” I mean gel-headed goober who cannot rap to save his gel-headed soul.
I mean, Dani is not only adorable, what with that cute pixie cut and shy grin of hers, she seems totally at ease and confident in herself – a rarity on a reality dating show. Never once did we get the feeling that Dani was playing up for the cameras or faking it. She was just a soft butch cutie pie firefighter with a heart of gold.
As my friend Melissa and I settled in to watch the finale, we both crossed our fingers that Dani would win. Here we were, two women married to men (one of us with kids), dying and crushing over Dani Campbell.
“I feel like we could leave our husbands to be with Dani,” I whispered.
“I know what you mean,” Melissa answered, not taking her eyes off the screen.
We weren’t alone. Minutes after the last episode aired, we ran to Dani’s MySpace page to read comment after distressed comment, all from women, many who professed loving Dani despite their straightness:
“So it’s official I am pissed she didn’t pick you.”
“Yo Tila fucked uppp I would date you and im not even gay haha”
“Dani you are such a sweetie you are totally amazing!!!!!”
“tila is dumb she should hav picked you I mean BOBBY?”
“I cryed when she didn’t call your name”
“TILA SUCKS BIG DONKEY DICKS”
While I’m sure that last comment is more true than we’ll ever realize, the bottom line is that straight girls haven’t been this head over heels for a pretty girl since Rob Lowe came on the scene.
I think, maybe, Dani’s appeal is the same thing that’s made straight teen girls go mushy over boys like Ralph Macchio, Ricky Schroder, Justin Timberlake, and Zac Efron for lo so many years. The soft, almost androgynous, appeal of their features. Their non-threatening yet somehow protective masculinity that’s mixed with just a touch of feminine softness and sensitivity. The fact that none of them seem to have that itchy beard scruff that leaves scratches.
Anyway, I’m no human sexuality expert or gender studies guru, so honestly, what the Hell do I know? All I’m sure about is Dani sure won’t be hurting for action or attention after last night’s finale.
And Tila, I hope you and Mr. Donkey Dick are very happy together. – Jennifer Mathieu