The Doctor Is in (Jail)

Highlights from Hair Balls



Former hand doctor and TV-ad star Michael Brown had himself a busy time the week of March 4, including getting arrested and testifying in his defense trial. Some of our coverage:

Things got downright weird during Michael Brown's testimony March 6, with attorney Robert Hoffman alleging that Brown's new hobby is to take pictures of naked "young women" aboard his yacht, and Brown claiming that hundreds of thousands he spent on gifts for an ex-girlfriend could be construed as business expenses.

He said the money he spent on ex Bridget MacTavish (the woman currently accusing him of giving her anal herpes) was a necessary expense because "that helps me as CEO to have some self-esteem, some health for my mind, my body, my spirit, and to love and be loved, all of which helps me function much better as CEO."

But he also said MacTavish was a scam artist who bilked a fortune from him, saying, "I've become more acutely aware of how I can be fleeced by women."

Hoffman and his mustache were on fire today, citing instance after instance of outrageously expensive corporate credit card expenses Brown lavished on MacTavish — and himself — including jewelry, watches and home furnishings, all of which allegedly violate an injunction order.

Hoffman and The 'Stache even asked Brown if he unlawfully used the corporate card to buy expensive Louis Vuitton briefcases to hold the cash his underlings siphoned from his businesses and delivered to him. (Brown denied this.)

A few of the 96 alleged violations filed in the motion against Brown include:

• A $20,000 monthly lease on an apartment in New York City's Waldorf-Astoria Hotel.

• $1.75 million spent on his yacht, the Amora.

• $1.1 million on, oh wait, guess what, another fuckin' yacht, the Estasi.

• $79,587 at VCH Jewelry

• $83,000 at DIOR 57th in NYC.

• $24,264 at Saks Fifth Avenue (Houston) — over three days

• $105,000 at Bergdorf Goodman (over 16 days)

While Brown testified in that contempt hearing in Houston, lawyers in Miami were continually filing a flurry of papers claiming, among other things, that Brown was too broke to fly his private plane, despite the fact that he recently filed paperwork in a bankruptcy case indicating that his average monthly income is $1.59 million.

After Brown was accused of choking out some flight attendants, he was slapped with bail provisions that barred him from flying commercially. But on February 27, Brown's bankruptcy attorney, Robert Hantman (who's also handling the Infamous Anal Herpes Case), asked to modify bail and let Brown fly commercially, as long as he flies with an ex-FBI, ex-Navy SEAL dude named John Gilliam, who recently launched a company that provides armed nannies to very protective parents. (Hantman is listed in Florida corporation records as the company's registered agent.)

The request was denied.

Since he filed for bankruptcy in January, Brown has further muddied the waters of an already convoluted divorce case — something he may have realized was a mistake, hence his motion to dismiss his bankruptcy filing in February. While no decision appears to have been made, Brown filed an extension to produce amended financial statements, something his wife, Rachel Brown, opposed in a motion filed March 5.

In that motion, her attorney, Alan Crane, wrote that Brown "has attempted to portray himself as a victim of the wife, the wife's lawyers, his lawyers and the various court systems. In fact, the debtor [Brown] is a victim of his own failure to take responsibility for his own actions or inactions."

In filing for bankruptcy, Brown believed he was entitled to freeze all payments to Rachel Brown. Shortly before filing for bankruptcy protection, Brown also sought a modification of child visitation privileges, but the overarching strategy was derailed (at least in part) by the federal criminal charges.

Hantman addressed this in a sworn statement, painting Brown as a poor dad who hasn't seen his kids in over a year. Although a January visit was planned, Hantman claimed, it was "scuttled at the last moment" by Rachel Brown's lawyer, David Brown (no relation), who demanded that Rachel's boyfriend, ex-Astro Jeff Bagwell, "have full access to the children, without restriction," before agreeing to the terms of the visit.

A champion of virtue and integrity, Hantman admonished David Brown, stating "that any lawyer would use the children as pawns is unseemly at best and despicable from an attorney who, upon information and belief, has already been paid over $3 million dollars."

Hantman added, "Why Mr. Bagwell is adamant on this point is perplexing as not only has he 'taken' Dr. Brown's wife...but now he wants the children too, to the exclusion of Dr. Brown."

In the panoply of lawyers who've represented Michael Brown throughout the years — many of whom haven't been paid and are listed as creditors in his bankruptcy papers — Hantman is among the most odious. In other words, we love this guy. If we ever got accused of giving anyone anal herpes, Hantman would be our first phone call. We'd tell our friends, too: "When you think 'anal herpes,' think Hantman!"


A Teacher, a Student, a Vibrator
Humble dance instructor jailed.

Richard Connelly

A 17-year-old Humble High School student has told cops that she and her dance instructor had sex too many times to count while the teacher's husband was away.

The teacher, Amanda Feenstra, faces a felony charge of improper relationship with a student.

Court documents show the student said, "There were so many times that [Feenstra] and she had sex, she cannot remember every specific date."

The relationship between the 29-year-old teacher and the student lasted from August 2010 to November 2011, court documents say.

School officials told investigators that the girl "felt embarrassed and trapped" and "had lost all her friends," and therefore was hesitant to come forward. She made her outcry to authorities in September.

Court documents say the two became friendly, to the point where the student would spend the night in Feenstra's guest room.

According to investigators:

The complainant stated that the first sexual contact was at the defendant's house while defendant's husband was not home. The defendant kissed and dry-humped the [com­plainant]. The second sexual contact was when both of them took off their clothes and the two touched each other and then the defendant used her mouth to give the plaintiff cunnilingus.

The defendant brought a vibrating erect penis (dildo) and would use the dildo on the complainant.

The two also had sex in the office of the dancing team, which is known as "The Wild Cadets."

According to the student, "she tried to get away from the defendant and thought graduating was her way out, but the defendant was stalking her by coming to her job and always calling her phone so she needed to talk to someone about this."

Feenstra is out on a $30,000 bond; court documents do not indicate whether she has a lawyer yet.


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