The Five Horniest Presidents America Has Produced
The Reelz channel finished up its Kennedys mini-series last night, the production that was chased from the History Channel because JFK fans hollered about inaccuracies or too many dramatic liberties.
The series itself seemed rather rote, although Greg Kinnear was a convincing-enough JFK. It did offer a lot of scenes of the President taking shots from Dr. Feelgood, and made clear that Kennedy had a loose interpretation of the marriage vows.
But was Kennedy the horniest U.S. President ever? Let's see. The top five:
5. Warren G. Harding You'd be hard-pressed to know it from looking at pictures, but Harding was considered to have matinee-idol looks, back in the day when they had matinee idols. He was, to some extent, the Reagan of his time: a not-deep thinker who convincingly orated anodyne platitudes that made him popular.
He also banged young women whenever he could, including in a White House closet.
His wife, whom he called "The Duchess," no doubt knew what was going on, and she was a strong woman in her own right. She gave Harding crap to the degree that some people insist his sudden death in the first term was caused by her poisoning him.
Harding was mourned perhaps as much as JFK at the time of his death, until scandal after scandal emerged. He never paid too much attention to detail, but his "friends" did, and they robbed the Treasury blind under his watch.
4. Grover Cleveland Grover Cleveland, when it comes to sex, is mostly known for having won the White House despite admitting that he had fathered a child out of wedlock. In fact, the mother of the child wasn't sure if the father was Cleveland or someone else in his circle of friends (she apparently enjoyed a few), but he was a bachelor at the time so he took the blame and paid child support.
But Cleveland wasn't done. He entered the White House as a bachelor (rare enough). He was 49 years old, but while he was president he dated a college girl and married her after she turned 21. They eventually had five kids.
3. Bill Clinton Who doesn't know about Bill Clinton? Growing up a doughy band boy in husky-size jeans, he got elected to statewide office at a young age and found women all of a sudden couldn't resist him. He did his best to let them.
Everyone assumed he would keep it in his pants, or at least be very, very discreet, in order not to derail his administration. Alas, he couldn't keep from spilling his seed on a blue dress that belonged to someone who had a "friend" who urged her to keep the evidence. The rest is history.
LBJ, Texas stud
2. Lyndon Baines Johnson LBJ -- he of the mournfully dogged face, the gauche Texas manners, the gigantic ego -- pulled pussy like a rock star.
He had a longtime affair that was almost a marriage, to a Washington socialite, but he went through his secretarial pools like a stud thoroughbred. Lady Bird knew, of course; she once said something like woman make up 50 percent of the population, and her husband had such a big heart he couldn't ignore them.
Which is nice, of course, but it wasn't the heart LBJ was using.
Kennedy: Would you hit it?
1. JFK Yes, he's the winner. Kennedy said he couldn't go three days without screwing a woman or he'd get headaches; he wasn't talking about Jackie.
He also said, according to some, that he'd keep a woman until he had in all three orifices, although we're not sure about that.
We do know that, because of his back, he wasn't the most lively lover. Marilyn Monroe said he essentially would lay on his back and let the woman do the work. Which, it should be noted, they seemed very glad to do.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.