The item we did earlier this week on the five horniest presidents included research that could lead us to conclude either one of two things:
a) America's presidential mistresses don't photograph well or are painted badly, or
b) Not many of them are what you'd call "hot."
Still, it's possible to definitely declare for all time the five hottest presidential mistresses. So we shall do so.
5. Sally Hemings
No pictures exist of Thomas Jefferson's concubine, but since Jefferson was alleged to be a man of refined tastes, we are perfectly willing to accept that she looks like Thandie Newton, who, with the help of some cleavage, portrayed her in Jefferson in Paris.
4. Kay Summersby
Well, it was wartime. And to be sure, Dwight Eisenhower's paramour was a step up from the dowdy Mamie. But mostly, it was wartime. 3. Lucia Calhoun
An affair of the doomed James A. Garfield. This painting comes from a collection of presidential mistress portraits by the artist Annie Kevans. (Note: Kevans' Summersby is a lot more alluring than she appears in the real-life photo, so no telling how accurate this one is.) 2. Helen Gahagan Douglas
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When you're choosing LBJ mistresses, the default choice is Alice Glass, who is invariably described as "stunning." But we can't find a picture. We're willing to settle for Helen Gahagan Douglas, a Broadway star who went on to be liberal congresswoman until defeated by Richard Nixon, who often Red-baited her by saying in speeches she was "pink right down to her underwear." 1. Angie Dickinson
Marilyn Monroe has always seemed too cartoonish for us, so when it comes to JFK mistresses we'll go with Angie Dickinson. Downside: Dickinson has also had an affair with Larry King.