The French Soccer Team: Five Movies That Would Have Ended Differently With Les Bleus In Them
France is in an uproar over their soccer team, which has not only sucked to an incredible degree in the World Cup but which has also gone on strike -- IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORLD CUP -- because their feelings were hurt.
Why did they strike? One of the players criticized the coach a little too much and was sent home. Zut-a-fucking-lors.
We applaud Les Bleus' unique method of achieving success. We can imagine how well it would work in other settings.
1. Star Wars: A New Hope
At the briefing to discuss the stolen plans for the Death Star, Wedge Antilles immediately objects to using a bunch of one-man fighters to slip through Darth Vader's defenses. "Where is ze glory in zat?" he storms. "I must go in alone, in a very big, slow ship, and never get close to reaching our goal. Zat is French glory!"
The rest of the rebel force agrees with him, goes on strike, and the Death Star is completed. Bad things ensue.
AJ (Ben Affleck's character) doesn't like the set-up when he gets to the asteroid, arguing that aesthetically it would be more pleasing if the drill was shaped like the Eiffel Tower. Hard-bitten Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis) gives him a glare that would kill at 1,000 yards, ferociously throws his cigar down -- and then pauses. "You know, you're right," he says. The asteroid hits earth, destroying civilization as we know it, not to mention a halfway completed Eiffel Tower drilling rig.
3. Saving Private Ryan
A weathered group of cynical French vets has a mission: save one lone private, who's fighting somewhere along the front lines. They decide they'd rather not.
4. Love, Actually
The Prime Minister, instead of being charmed by the children's Christmas pageant, ridicules it as being "existentially flawed" and that anything short of sheer nihilism is a waste of the theater. He stomps off to find some G
uitanes and "goddamn edible food." Simultaneously, Liam Neeson's
character convinces his kid that getting your ass kicked by love is not worth the effort.
5. Toy Story
Trapped in the house of the evil boy Sid, Buzz Lightyear sees a TV ad that finally, sadly convinces him he is a toy. "C'est vrai," he sighs, pulling a black turtleneck over his spacesuit. Woody and the mutant toys don't give up, however, telling Buzz that the joy he can bring to children will last forever. Buzz tells them to fuck off.
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