The Hair Balls Super Bowl Live Blog: Remember To Piss
Oh here go hell come.
In some alternate universe, the streets of Houston are currently bathed in Miller Lite, Reliant Stadium and every bar in town is a watch party, with even the homeless folks are wearing soiled Texans jerseys. But alas, our Houston Texans only made it into the second round of the playoffs, and here we sit together, watching two teams from up north -- ew -- battling it out in Indianapolis for the Vince Lombardi trophy.
Welcome to Super Bowl XLVI, between the New England Patriots, led by dreamboat Tom Brady, and the New York Giants, led by Eli Manning, whose brother Peyton's shadow has been looming over the proceedings the past two weeks. This is a rematch, pitting the same two teams from Super Bowl XLII in 2008, which I lost $20 on. On the bright side, well there is no bright side.
If you are already watching NBC's pre-game programming, how much do you hate Pizza Hut right now, and/or did you finally break down and order something? The plugging and commercials are relentless. HD is also not doing the 60-year-old Bob Costas any favors either. But that redhead in the Century 21 ad? That's making watching the two hours before the game worth it.
To begin my live-blogging, here is the trailer to the 1994 kiddie football film/social allegory, Little Giants, featuring Ed O'Neill and Rick Moranis.
As per Methodist Hospital's dire instructions, please please please, remember to pee tonight during the game. No commercial, scoring drive, or Madonna nip-slip is worth having a catheter installed in your skin plumbing.
Another option would be not to drink at all until The Voice comes on after the big game. You will probably get a quicker buzz, and it will make looking at the bloated visage of Christina Aguilera a bit easier.
As Methodist officials say "people who drink too much and fail to get up and go to the bathroom can also develop a problem called urinary retention, a condition where the bladder gets so full that the muscles are not strong enough to generate a stream."
Also, don't Google "peeing" unless that's just what you are into, which is cool. I'm not into it but I am sure that it is thrilling, and the warmth...
OK, just under an hour until game time. Go stir the queso. See you back here in a few.
I also like how 20 years ago if a guy on a football team had intricate tattoo sleeves -- or even just a tiny one on his bicep -- and Rapunzel hair that he would be outright feared -- and even given a part in a Schwarzenegger film -- but now it's almost standard issue lineman appearance.
Should the Super Bowl be considered Thanksgiving I or Thanksgiving II, what with the eating and the drinking and the crying?
Brady doesn't need to wear his helmet to the field because he's handsome.
LOL a commercial set at the Hollywood sign where they found the body parts. That's a sincere LOL, I swear.
This Denzel movie looks like shit. Just howl "THAT'S MY WIFE" and shoot someone.
"America, The Beautiful" with Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton's piercing goddamn eyes. Where is the teleprompter??
Kelly Clarkson seems like good people. Like, she would pick you up from the airport on a Saturday night and put in a good word for you with a chick you wanted to hook up with.
I don't want The Dictator...do you?
Yeah, pants, phones, and pizza are cool, but this kid almost died of cancer. Enjoy your bean dip, fat ass.
Is Cris Collinsworth really Will Arnett's dad?
Look happier that you are in the football hall of fame, not like you are Iranian hostages. "I love my family, I am treated very well, and I miss America."
I bet someone just lost their house on that coin toss. :(
"Pack it up, kids. We move in with grandma tomorrow. You start at a new school next week."
Bill Conti is rolling in his grave, and does Jeff Bridges just live inside a voice-over booth now and smoke weed all day?
"Sports palace" huh? Sounds fruity as shit.
KICKOF. I mean KICKOFF!
PRO TIP: If you squint and rub Vaseline in your eyes, it looks like the Texans are playing today. Just turn the spund down and pop in ZZ Top's Eliminator.
The slowest sack in history. Do football players not wear protective cups anymore?
OH SHIT! Bud Light Platinum! So fancy!
Followed by a commercial featuring Echo & The Bunnymen and the death of dozens of white people.
That's really Elton John's house. He kills people. Is that Raven? And he is using a leg double.
I am football stoopid and even I know that that was intentional grounding. These guys are going easy on each other it looks like. Not that I am a superstar athlete, and I would in fact cry if I got hit by one of these he-men.
Next year, I want Collinsworth and Alex Jones to commentate the Super Bowl. This game needs more paranoia.
Brady looks super sad now.
How dare they not show the entire Cruz dance. We really are a puritanical country. Show it again! RON PAUL 2012.
Triple-filtered!!! WAHHHH! Bud Light Platinum...
I wonder what an M&M penis looks like...and I still say that the female M&M is hottie. Melt in my mouth not in her hand!
I really like thinking about the Apocalypse and trucks, and that those guys are going to end up having crazy sex with each other since they are probably the only people left on Earth that are not zombies.
It could be worse.
That CGI Troy Aikman was so lifelike. RIP.
NO BATTLESHIP. We don't need this, no matter how many Liam Neeson's you make. Rated Mehhhhhhh.
The craft beer anger over Budweiser makes me want to drink it more, the same way when hipsters hate on Nickelback, I just listen to them louder. Also, this Bud commercial needs some Nucky Thompson. And someone getting their throat slit.
Dogs are to Doritos as to cows are to Chick-fil-A? Confused.
ZZZZZZZZZZ turbans. Sweet lord not all of us drink. An alien looking in would assume we are alcoholics with dogs that talk and everyone is either fat or Megan Fox.
We've come a long way when we can show children urinating in a pool. I would rather assume he pooped instead. 2012 indeed.
In prison, a "furry peanut" is a term of endearment. The Lorax looks fun though.
I really hope when Howard Stern joins America's Got Talent that the pin-pong ball chick from his radio show makes an appearance.
Also, an "illegal huddle" will get you solitary confinement in prison. (Sorry, it's the homoerotic lingo portion of the evening. Third down and long.)
And just like that, the David Beckham commercial shows up. Sigh.
You know Glenn Beck says that the Coke polar bears are liberal propaganda...
Indie-rock sure has invaded the ads this year. Somewhere someone in a dive bar is crying into their IPA over the royalty check that could have been.
It doesn't matter, people will go see all six of the Star Wars films in 3D, even if they hated them.
Another Avengers trailer. Adriana Lima shilling not for lingerie and boobs, but....flowers???!!! Wahhhh???
Tone Loc and Eddie Van Halen must get a few hundred thousand in royalty checks each February after the Super Bowl.
Oh man, the guy's conscience growing out of his head in the cars.com ad. Reminds me of this film classic...
I don't like the talking babies, and what's with that one sleazy baby "speed dating". What kind of fuckery is that? Society's ruin or something or other.
And now is where if I was a football dude where I would say "we have a football now" now. Score is 10-9 with the Patriots....just look at the TV.
Tony Dungy looks like Alternate World Barack Obama.
A free LMFAO remix of a Madonna song.
Madonna opens with "Vogue" and lots of Greek goddess imagery. She's GrandGaga now. She looks great for 53, and the arms are concealed. Though that last kick looked painful.
Second song is "Music" from 2000.
WE GOT AN UPSKIRT. Song sounds highly edited. And is that...Richard Simmons from 1975 on that tight rope?
Super, we lumped in "Party Rock" into this. LMFAO is there to save the day. Where are the hamsters to sell the cars to the people?
MIA and Nicki Minaj come out for the new single "Give Me All Your Luvin'", which sounds like 1999's "Beautiful Stranger". I wouldn't let Minaj or MIA perform on live TV at all.
AND WE GOT THE FINGER. FROM MIA. AND "SHIT".
All that is left now is for Cee Lo to have "RON PAUL 2012" painted on his ass cheeks...
"Like A Prayer" brings us back to the religious fervor of the '80s, but still Madonna is doing a great job. A good primer for the tour coming up this year.
The world is loving Madonna all over again. Already being called one of the best halftime performances ever....er...evar.
Boring, the game is back on and now the Patriots are winning by a touchdown.
Katherine McPhee looks like she is always about to cry. Smash has a cool cast, with Anjelica Huston coming to TV.
What the hell, Mattress Mac? Guys that look like Larry The Cable Guy are scary and shouldn't be let into your houses? They pay your bills, broseph. Every other person I have ever seen in Alvin looks like that. Maybe I like stereotypical bears in cowboy hats coming into my home.
"Nah man, you can't grab that."
NFL commercial vowing to make the game safer. Eff that noise. We want blood.
A very ambitious H-E-B commercial, ending with an alien who traveled millions of light years to shop at their stores.
Nothing is going to make this Matthew Broderick commercial better. So patently wrong and heartbreaking. Excuse me...
Though I am happy that MetLife brought back all those cartoon characters back for a few seconds, including He-Man and Mr. Magoo.
Cris Collinsworth is losing his voice.
CareerBuilder.com means to tell us that chimps use dildos? I don't know why that guy hates working with them, it seems fun. Also, I liked the older, distinguished boss chimp. No ageism here.
Was that Samsung Galaxy commercial supposed to be a biting send-up of the Occupy movement, or a really bitchin' excuse for rawk? Shut up who cares The Darkness is back.
GoDaddy just won't let up. Guys that wanna get laid and enjoy nude women are basically mentally-challenged and...that's about right.
I bet it costs a million dollars to make Eli Manning blink in those graphics.
Congrats Giants and Eli Manning. Sorry Tom Brady and whatever team it is you throw the ball for.
And yes, that was The Man From Another Place as the munchkin in the Seinfeld ad.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.