The Horrifying, Mystifying, Wonder-Filled World of Houston T-Shirts on eBay
There are few things more disposable these days than a T-shirt. The problem is, you just can't bring yourself to throw one out.
It's still a shirt, right? Someone could fit into it somewhere, you know? So instead of getting tossed, they go to Goodwill or get used as a dustrag or to wash the car.
Or they end up on eBay.
We recently did a search for Houston-related T-shirts on the bidding site and were both appalled, and applauding, over what we found.
10. Alas, the days of "just doing it" in the Dome are gone Not only does it have a bold design, the motto -- with all the subtlety of the Beatles' "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" -- is made even more clear with the addition of "do me."
9. Your vajazzle is in the wrong place The designers of this T-shirt miraculously found the one thing that could make the Rockets' silly '90s logo look any sillier -- take the details out of it and make it an amorphous blob! And that's not all -- bejazzle that baby up!!
Such a shirt should be displayed with only the utmost of care, of course. By, ummm, hanging it on some anime poster over a rolling hamper. It speaks to us on so many levels.
8. Now this is sweet No complaints about this: a straight-from-the-'80s balloon vest for fans of a doomed franchise. Sweetness abounds here; the owner is so reluctant to part with this that he hovers protectively over it, casting a shadow that tries to hide those details that would draw buyers in.
7. Days of innocence Can you imagine the frenzied Texas mothers in 1969, sending their little darlings out into the big ol' dope-smoking, hippie-filled, unwashed nation, where LSD whores were just waiting to lure young innocents into becoming junkies?
A National Jamboree in Idaho seems as safe as can be, but that deer looks like he's sucking on a pacifier at the end of a rave. The drugs, they're everywhere.
6. The boys are back -- and they can't decide what to wear We don't know where the boys were, but wherever it was, their return is being celebrated via T-shirt. A close look reveals, though, that no one's quite sure what to wear -- the shirt itself is using that modern open-star symbol that looked like it belonged to a bankrupt airline; three of the players are wearing the late (and blue) version of the rainbow jersey, Larry Dierker's got on some other type of road jersey and, to top it off, the inspiring, hip visage of "Boy" Bill Virdon is rocking a white rainbow.
That's Houston's brand of baseball, we guess.
5. David Carr: Say no more. Sporting one of his maybe dozens of hairstyles, we believe this item of Carr memorabilia stems from the days when the local media were still throwing around phrases like "potential Hall of Famer" after his apparently stunning practice sessions.
4. In Loving Memory.... My grandparents went to Houston and all I got was dead people.
A T-shirt to celebrate those who have died so that America's space program could live on; we're telling you, it's because those heroes would have wanted it that way -- to be marked down half-off at the Space Center souvenir shop, next to the Dippin' Dots.
3. A lot of baggage An ugly T-shirt to remember the ugliest Final Four of the last 20 years...right here in Houston!!!
2. Priorities Ya see -- right there, right above the giant "Coca-Cola"...no, you have to look harder. Well, squint a little....Yeah, come on, you can see it -- it does say UH!!
To be fair, the front of the shirt looked less like a total whore-out:
1. Ahead of its time We're guessing this is from the '80s or so, back when marriage equality was just a dream in a gay person's eye, even if Houston was showing all kinds of pride. And unknowing parents were buying rainbow T-shirts for their kids as souvenirs.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
- Ratings Wars: 5 Reasons the Texans Will Outpace the Astros on TV Thursday Night
- Colts-Texans, Week 5 — Four Things To Watch For
- "Flag Desecration" Laws Are Still Unconstitutional, Even in Texas