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The Incredible, Hilarious Memo on How to Make Texas Tech & Its Coach "Cool": A Quiz

Guns Up, cool Daddy-O.
Guns Up, cool Daddy-O.

The guys at Deadspin have gotten their hands on a piece of comedy gold -- a memo on how Texas Tech can make itself and its football coach, former Red Raider QB Kliff Kingsbury, into ultra-hip, highly cool icons that the kidz of today will flock to just so they can be hip and cool, too.

A tall order for a school based in Lubbock, you say? Then you are not Stephen Spiegelberg (Oh, that little "ge" is so, so important), owner of what is no doubt the hippest clothing store in the entire Panhandle, a place called Chrome.

The entire memo is well worth reading; it's written in that breathless know-it-all tone, flush with buzzwords, that "consultants" love to use.

We'll present some highlights in the form of a quiz. ("UA" is the athletic-gear company Under Armour.)

(All grammar, capitalization, spelling, etc. is Spiegelberg's.)

5. "UA showed us....we are already the team that wears the cool brand in Texas. We can brand as the Hippest school in the game. Swagger on and off the field. It will draw stars to lubbock and the program."

Which is the silliest sentence here, and why? a) "UA showed us....we are already the team that wears the cool brand in Texas." The UA Kool-Aid: the breakfast of champions for suckers ever since Oregon put on its first silver helmet. b) "We can brand as the Hippest school in the game." This plan apparently involves Jerry Sandusky going to work for USC and then Da U. c) "It will draw stars to lubbock and the program." It may draw them to Lubbock, but they won't be staying once they see Lubbock's happenin' night life. Unless Tech is planning on recruiting all those hip, cool dudes who are into country music. d) Every damn word of that excerpt is silly enough to make every Tech alum hang his guns not up, but down. Way down.

4. "Kliff- We place his nickname..GQ, Hollywood, Swagger..(we talk to him and see what we can place) we need to dial in Kliff's style and hammer it as a the 'cool kids' here at Texas Tech."

Ah, the all-important nickname. What is wrong with the concept as presented here?

a) Nicknames have to come organically. You can't just decide one day you're going to be known by some pseudo-nickname you've thought up as a marketing gimmmick. Unless you're Johnny Football.

b) Forget the capitalization, the sentence "we need to dial in Kliff's style and hammer it as a the 'cool kids' here at Texas Tech" makes no sense at all. Sure, you're dialing in, you're hammering, but to what effect? The cool kids here at Texas Tech would be highly disappointed.

c) Your list of proposed nicknames, unless we are utterly mistaken (and for the love of Christ we hope we are), is GQ, Hollywood and Swagger. This means the author apparently lives in some universe where he can imagine a TV announcer saying, "They can't get the play in and Swagger Kingsbury is forced to use a timeout" or "We can't make out what he's saying, but GQ Kingsbury is giving the referee an earful." That universe must be a pleasant place to live.

d) You do have to give the Tech marketing team credit -- they at least plan to consult Kingsbury before they saddle him with his hip nickname. Who can forget that famous meeting where Tom Landry and the Cowboys' PR department decided his nickname would be "Tom"?

e) All of the above.

 

3. "Pete Carroll= worked an angle of the Rock and Roll Coach at USC. It was placed. He was seen with Rock and Roll bands & music industry execs."

In terms of access to hip "Rock and Roll bands" and music executives, Lubbock : Los Angeles ::

a) A Members Only windbreaker : An Armani suit b) Miss Lubbock : Miss October c) The reunited Brooks & Dunn, playing "Boot-Scootin' Boogie": Snoop, flaring one up at practice d) A cow patty : A Ruth's Chris' strip e) "The Giant Side of Texas" (official motto, according to wiki) : "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" (official motto, according to The Life)

2. Referring to plans for Kingsbury: "We hire a branding firm out of LA that specialized in getting our boy on the B-list. We need him to be seen at NY fashion week, some Hollywood events, and the hip scenes around the nation."

Make this sentence correct by replacing the underlined phrases with one set of phrases below:

a) "B list? Why you no A list?!?!" -- The Dress Barn in Amarillo -- the 23-skidoo scenes around the country, pops b) on the D list, if we're going to be honest here -- College Station fashion week...fashion weekend, if we're going to be honest here -- the hip scenes around the Tech Student Union c) on the A list -- sitting in Chloë Sevigny's lap in the front row of the catwalk at the Alexander Wang show -- the goddamn Rose Bowl holding up the BCS trophy d) on the B list...lots of famous people are on the B list -- at NY fashion wee-- what the hell am I talking about? -- Yeah, yeah, the "hip scenes around the nation." Good luck with that one, fellas. Me, I'm getting a beer.

1. "Offering the firm in LA 100K to get kliff into the b-list is chump change for the return and image for UA. Kliff=GQ and Kliff only wears UA for sports. "

If 100K to get your coach "into the b-list" is chump change, then:

a) Your budget for entertaining recruits is Pentagon-esque in the hooker section alone b) This "b list" -- you're kinda obsessed with it, aren't you? c) ....you haven't realized that your school is still located in freakin' Lubbock? d) ....we want to get a job as B List Admissions Director.

We'll post the correct answers later today on our Facebook page.

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