We get a lot of stories here at Hair Balls from the Lufkin Daily News. Unlike so many of its fellow small-town East Texas newspapers, the editors and reporters have both a keen eye for mayhem and a dark, mordant sense of humor about it.
That last quality comes most to the fore in the police blotter. While virtually all small-town papers have one, the Daily News takes it to another level. It's not quite on the same level as California's fabled Arcata Eye police log, but on good days it comes close, as these top ten highlights from the last 12 months attest.
10. November 8, 2010: A woman splashed tea on a store employee after he would not sell her cigarettes without identification, according to a police report.
9. August 3, 2010: A suspicious man has reportedly been seen numerous times in the last month at Great Oaks Apartment complex. He is described as a "pot-bellied" white man, around 35 years old with "shabby hair," according a police report.
8. June 27, 2011: A man reported to Lufkin Police that over the past few weeks someone has knocked on his door late at night, threw eggs at his house and threw barbecue sauce on his house in the 1000 block of Sayers Street.
(Hair Balls wonders if them aigs was sloppy.)
7. February 1, 2011: A man reported being hit in the groin with an ottoman Monday after a woman kicked it in his direction.
6. April 1, 2011: Crawfish was thrown at a man by his brother as they drove down South John Redditt Drive Thursday, a police report stated. The man said in addition to the crawfish, his brother punched him in the back of the head.
5. June 1, 2011: A large woman was witnessed having difficulty getting into her van and, in apparent anger, repeatedly slamming the van door into a nearby car in the 2200 block of South First Street, according to a Lufkin Police report.
4. May 1, 2011: Two pregnant sisters began having an argument that escalated into a food fight on Gobblers Knob Road, their mother told Lufkin police. During the food fight, one daughter punched the other in the stomach, the mom said. The other daughter then sprayed her sister with mace, according to the police report.
3. September 29, 2010: A man told Lufkin police he was attacked by five carnival workers after they gave him money to buy drugs Wednesday morning. The workers became angry when the man returned without the drugs, telling them the drug dealers stole their money, he told police. Police officers were able to identify two of the suspects, according to a police report. Police advised the man to stay away from the carnival, but he told officers he planned to return the next day to ask for a job, according to the police report.
(Note: None of the carnies involved were described as large drag queens, but this song seemed to fit better than anything else we could find on YouTube.)
2. March 27, 2011: A woman reported that while at her boyfriend's son's little league game, she and her boyfriend's ex-wife got into an argument in the 600 block of Windsor Court over the possession of the boy's home run ball. The ex-wife assaulted her by pushing her up against a fence, according to a Lufkin Police report.
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1. June 30, 2011: A man reported that his future mother-in-law told him during a phone conversation, "I'm going to kill you."