The Most Hideous "Cinnamon Challenge" Video Ever -- A Zapruder Breakdown
Taken only in moderation.
Invention begins with a conversation. I've often said I'd love to have a DVD of the conversations that took place in creating some of the items or concepts that are woven into the daily fabric of our lives. Deep dish pizza, strip clubs, YouTube, pretty much everything started with someone saying, "Hey, what do you think of this..."
I envision the conversation that preceded the invention of the "Cinnamon Challenge" taking place at about three in the morning and involving quite a bit of weed.
If you don't know what the Cinnamon Challenge is, it's really quite simple. Basically, the contestant is required to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon without the aid of water. It's surprisingly difficult, bordering on impossible.
I'll admit that I'd never heard of the Cinnamon Challenge until a few years ago when Raheel Ramzanali (then a co-worker of mine at 1560 The Game) attempted it on air. Because challenges like these, involving choking, vomiting, and plumes of ground cinnamon spewing from every orifice in the human head, don't translate all that well on radio, a video of this momentous event was shot and uploaded on YouTube for posterity's sake:
Since then, perhaps more cognizant of its existence, I've seen videos of many others attempting the Challenge. People like NBA players....
....and hot chicks....
They all have their own special, demented kind of charm. But it wasn't until yesterday that I saw the most hideous Cinnamon Challenge video of my brief Challenge-watching history (hat tip to The Big Lead and their Roundup section). The only way to consume this video is with a chronological breakdown, which you can find below:
(NOTE: For purposes of clarity, I am going to assume that the main characters in this video are a grandson with his grandmother, although let's face it -- visually, this "family" is fucked up enough that "husband and wife" and "cousins" are both firmly in play.)
0:01 -- The mischievous grandson enters the room. He weighs about 115 pounds, is covered in tattoos and walks around the house shirtless. Therefore, I can very easily draw the conclusion that this video takes place in West Virginia. In fact, if you look closely, I think you can see the carton of bath salts on the counter, and if you listen carefully you can hear the pygmy goats whinnying in the back yard.
0:06 -- Grandson offers grandmother fifty bucks to take the Cinnamon Challenge, which makes this the first Challenge where a contestant could get paid from the money in her own welfare check.
0:08 -- Grandson tattoo scorecard: chest, neck, back, face, arms, hands, represent yo!
0:15 -- A clearer look at Granny reveals that she could be Rex and Rob Ryan's long lost triplet brother. Handsome woman. (Bonus: I love the red Fisher-Price microwave oven on the shelf.)
0:20 -- If you had "grandson smokes cigarettes inside the house" at -2,000, cash your ticket! Classy joint!
0:31 -- The phenomenon of young people covering themselves in tattoos has exploded exponentially in the last 15 years, a trend I've often said is completely lacking in foresight as I am of the opinion that when these people turn, say, 65 years old, they're going to look and feel like idiots. So if you're wondering what a sixtysomething woman looks like covered in tattoos (tattoos that look like they were scribbled on her in the furnace room of a women's prison, no less), observe. Granny is inked up.
0:46 -- Cinnamon scooped up, aaaanndd down the hatch! (Notice the candles on the table and the window sill. Hey, Granny, maybe if you didn't let your grandson Hayseed McSucknut smoke in the house all the time, you wouldn't need to fill the room with jasmine-scented Yankee Candles. Just a thought.)
0:53 -- Mount Doubtfire erupts! Out goes the cinnamon, all over the floor, which ironically makes the room somewhat cleaner and certainly better smelling. It's okay, the spit should wipe right off the vinyl tablecloth. You know, whenever they get around to wiping it, sometime in 2014.
0:57 -- ....and out go the dentures. If you look closely, you can see the army of bedbugs and ants picking them up and carrying them off.
1:06 -- Granny is wailing like a cat stuck hanging by its tail in a garage door, and rubbing her tongue frantically, much like every man who has ever orally touched any part of her body in the last 50 years. And she is sitting on the chair, legs spread, like Don Zimmer sitting on the bench in the Yankee dugout. We're not in "two chicks, one cup" level of disgusting yet, but we are a cab ride away.
1:15 -- Granny spitting and rinsing, spitting and rinsing. The jokes are too easy.
1:30 -- Granny stumbles over to the sink for a time-honored Cinnamon Challenge tradition -- the quasi-vomit into the sink. This camera angle also gives you the full flavor of her hairdo, which can best be described as a cross between Shemp from The Three Stooges and Steve Carell in the first season of The Office.
1:34 -- We get a brief look at the grandson and I was being kind when I said 115 pounds. He's barely cracking the century mark. Also, good to see his pants actually cover up his junk. Barely.
1:39 -- If you pause it quickly at exactly the 1:39 mark, you can see one of those motivational posters on the wall. You know, the ones that people with no initiative have on the wall of their office so that they can act like they have initiative? Judging by Granny's ample frame, it's not a reach to call the kitchen her office, so having the poster on this wall is actually appropriate. Obviously, I'm wondering exactly what word and cheesy saying are on the poster. I'll go with "POVERTY: Crystal meth's silent aftertaste."
1:41 -- "Where's my teeth??" Yep, that happened.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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