The Onion, Under New Chinese Management, Analyzes Yao Ming
Ever since the shocking news came that The Onion had sold itself to a Chinese company that also sells fish by-products, we've been waiting for it. The Yao Ming story.
The entire world population confirmed Friday that Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is the greatest athlete in the history of sports and a glowing symbol of what hardworking citizens may become if they remain loyal to their government.
Yao Ming officially averages 84 points per basketball game and has a shooting percentage of .9999998, Chinese basketball officials said. Furthermore, Yao Ming is perfectly healthy and, in fact, cannot be injured.
Yao Ming is also a universally acknowledged beacon of humility and respect, and on the exceedingly rare occasion when he does miss a shot, he no doubt does so on purpose, selflessly ensuring that his lesser American teammates feel better about their own lackluster shooting percentages.
The Chinese media, it seems, is no different than local sports-talk radio callers here in Houston: They hate Tracy McGrady too.
"If I were a smart man instead of an egotistical, stupid man, incapable of putting the success of the whole before my own selfish needs, I would always pass the ball to Yao," disgraceful, and genuinely injured, teammate Tracy McGrady must tell reporters. "I am simply someone who is unable to genuflect before those who have more ability than myself. And for this, I will die a lonely and pathetic death."
Rockets fans will be relieved to know that Yao is completely injury-free ("Commissioner [David] Stern will not address the scandalous rumors of an injury to Yao Ming, because all people know that such rumors are laughable and could not be true"), will win the next 15 NBA titles and will be the only active player ever inducted into the basketball Hall of Fame.
As for McGrady, well, c'est la vie, as they say in China.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- J.J. Watt Is Damn Near Immortal, Wins Third NFL Defensive Player Of The Year Award
Fri., Feb. 19, 6:00pm
Fri., Feb. 19, 6:30pm
Fri., Feb. 19, 8:00pm
Sat., Feb. 20, 1:00pm
- No, Houston Will Not Make a Lot of Money Hosting the Super Bowl
- Charged With a Crime? You Might Be Paying a Court Fee That Is Basically Un-Enforceable