Believe us when we tell you we are not Guy Who Never Watches TV. But somehow we've never seen an Oprah show.
Of course, we've seen YouTube clips of Tom Cruise jumping up and down, and we're sure we saw snatches here and there in a waiting room or something.
But that's it. We're not saying it makes us a better person or anything, it's just that we feel our utter lack of familiarity makes us extremely qualified to offer five ways to improve today's finale.
5. Don't tear up at the end It's the move everyone's expecting, O. Be original. Go out with middle fingers flying like some playa who just lucked out on a Maury paternity test.
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SHOW ME HOW
4. Build up to the greatest audience giveaway ever And then have it be five-dollar Subway footlongs for everyone. Come on, those greedy fucks who've sold their mother for a ticket are thinking new car or Australian trip. Let `em learn about real life, and how it kicks you in the teeth.
3. Admit your new cable network is the worst corporate decision since New Coke "Even I can't watch that much of myself, and believe me I've tried!!"
2. Surprise Beyoncé with a sex tape of herself You've got enough cash to make it happen, that's for sure. The thing will be solid-gold Digg bait, and you need the clicks, frankly.
1. Don't have Maria Shriver on the show and ignore the elephant in the room Too late on that one, apparently. We're sure you've got her lined up for a carefully scripted "probing" interview on some upcoming special, though.