The Texans' 2013 Schedule Is Here!
In 2011, the Texans finally broke through with their first double-digit win season in franchise history. They took home the AFC South crown and beat the Cincinnati Bengals at home in a playoff game before losing on the road to the eventual AFC runner-up in the divisional round.
In 2012, the Texans again went out and broke double digits in wins. Again, they took home the AFC South crown and beat the Cincinnati Bengals at home in a playoff game before losing on the road to the eventual AFC runner up in the divisional round.
Well, now it's 2013 and the NFL unveiled the schedule for the upcoming season on Thursday night. So let's find out what the Texans' route looks like as they shoot for a third consecutive AFC South title before beating Cincinnati at home in a playoff game before losing on the road to the eventual AFC runner up in the divisional round.
Week 1 (Mon., Sept 9): at San Diego, 9:20 p.m. (ESPN) Man, just a few years ago Bob McNair would have had to buy time on the network to get the Texans a Monday night game, like one of those infomercials for a steam cooking gizmo or a seven CD box set of `70s love songs. Now, the league is voluntarily opening with the Texans on Monday night! Granted, it's the obligatory "shit-fest involving either San Diego or Oakland" second game of the season-opening Monday night doubleheader, but still...our little team is all growns up!! You growns up, and you growns up, and you growns up!!!
Week 2 (Sun., Sept 15): TENNESSEE, Noon (CBS) If you enjoy games against AFC South divisional rivals, if that's what really gets your blood flowing, well, you better have your tickets for this one and enjoy the ever loving shit out of it, because the next AFC South game isn't until early November after the bye week.
Week 3 (Sun., Sept 22): at Baltimore, Noon (CBS) Ed Reed's homecoming game! Also, a chance for the Ravens to exact revenge on the Texans after our boys rolled up Flacco and company 43-13 last season...because the fact that some Texans fans were actually saying "Hey, we beat the Super Bowl Champions 43-13 in Week 7!" I guess means that that regular season game was just as important as the Super Bowl. Sure it was.
Week 4 (Sun., Sept 29): SEATTLE, Noon (FOX) GAMBLING ALERT! GAMBLING ALERT! PARTIAL NEGATIVE BODY CLOCK! PARTIAL NEGATIVE BODY CLOCK! REPEAT...SEATTLE IS PLAYING THIS GAME ON PARTIAL NEGATIVE BODY CLOCK!!!!
(For those who don't know what "negative body clock" is, it occurs when a West Coast team is playing an early game on East Coast time, oftentimes resulting in said West Coast team sleepwalking through the game since it starts at 10 a.m. their body time. Games played in the Central Time Zone get "partial" negative body clock status, and deserve a gambling look.)
Week 5 (Sun., Oct 6): at San Francisco, 7:30 p.m. (NBC) Um, all right, hard games are fun, and if your team wins, the memories last a lifetime, but that said, the schedule maker can go sodomize himself with a hot poker. Baltimore, Seattle, and San Francisco back to back to back?!? Two of them on the road?!? The last one in prime time on the road?!? I'm fully expecting to see the NFC Pro Bowl team on the Texans' schedule in Week 6.... Week 6 (Sun., Oct 13): ST. LOUIS, Noon (FOX) Week 7 (Sun., Oct 20): at Kansas City, Noon (CBS) The Texans may not win a Super Bowl in 2013. They may not win the AFC. Hell, with the Colts' possible improvement they may not even win the AFC South, but mark it down -- the Texans will win the Missouri state championship in 2013.
Week 8 (Sun., Oct 27): BYE WEEK If you're thinking "Hey, no Texans game, this will be a great week to watch some other classic NFL tilts!" just know that there are only two games this whole weekend that involve two 2012 playoff teams -- Washington at Denver late Sunday afternoon and Green Bay at Minnesota Sunday night. Yippee.
Week 9 (Sun., Nov 3): INDIANAPOLIS, 7:30 p.m. (NBC) The third and final Sunday/Monday prime time game and the only prime time game the Texans will play at Reliant. In case you're wondering, Indy is also coming off a bye this weekend, too, so no scheduling advantage for our squad.
Week 10 (Sun., Nov 10): at Arizona, 3:25 p.m. (CBS) Week 11 (Sun., Nov 17): OAKLAND, Noon (CBS) Week 12 (Sun., Nov 24): JACKSONVILLE, Noon (CBS) I'm not even joking, if you had to put together a patch of schedule that is the exact, functional opposite of Weeks 3 through 5, it would look just like this. Dogshit Arizona and Carson Palmer on the road followed by home games against the team that views Matt Flynn as a monster upgrade over Carson Palmer and against the team that provides gainful employment to Blaine Gabbert. The Texans will be favored in these three games by a combined 30 points EASILY.
Week 13 (Sun., Dec 1): NEW ENGLAND, 3:25 p.m. (CBS) Soooooo, we meet again, New England. This time, it's on our turf. The same turf that consumed Wes Welker's knee back in 2009, remember? Yeah, Welker's not a Patriot anymore, but so the hell what?!?
Week 14 (Thur., Dec 5): at Jacksonville, 7:25 p.m. (NFLN) Week 15 (Sun., Dec 15): at Indianapolis, Noon (CBS) Week 16 (Sun., Dec 22): DENVER, Noon (CBS) Week 17 (Sun., Dec 29): at Tennessee, Noon (CBS) Seriously, what the hell is wrong with the computer program scheduling this shit? All three division road games crammed into the final month of the season around a home game with Denver? Whatever.
So there you go. "Way too early" prediction? 11-5, but stay tuned....
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.