These Old AQUA VELVA Commercials Alone Should Get Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame (w/ VIDEO)
Major League Baseball decided to delay announcing the 2013 Hall of Fame induction class until Wednesday this week so as not to have the news buried by coverage of the historic clash between Alabama and Notre Dame for the BCS title. For Major League Baseball, it's a refreshing dose of self-awareness knowing that this part of the calendar doesn't really belong to them.
Now, keep in mind there is a distinct possibility that the announcement Wednesday could be that nobody has been voted into the Hall of Fame. As outlined here last week, straw polling of Hall of Fame voters indicates that no eligible player right now is trending at greater than the 75 percent of the vote needed for induction.
So there is a distinct possibility MLB could have the stage all to itself to announce, well, nothing.
So maybe to spice things up this year, the Hall of Fame could see fit to finally open the doors of Cooperstown to all-time hit leader Pete Rose. I mean, did he gamble on baseball and lie about it? Sure he did. Does he possess possibly the worst haircut ever procured by a male human being? Absolutely.
But the guy was the all-time hits leader! Charlie Hustle! And to top it all off, he made those awesome Aqua Velva commercials back in the late 1970s! Come on, you remember, don't you?
(By the way, point of full disclosure here -- if you think the first five paragraphs of this post were just an incredibly clunky way for me to cobble together an excuse to embed a bunch of old Pete Rose Aqua Velva commercials into a post and destroy them, well, then you must be a longtime reader of mine. Guilty as charged.)
Aqua Velva allows Pete Rose to sex beat writers
0:03 -- Well, we know that the young vixen standing next to the batting cage is a media member because of the very understated badge on her chest that says "PRESS" In font size 432. And pretty hard hitting question to -- "What's a man really want from his after shave?" (Frankly, I'm surprised we haven't seen Pam Oliver ask this question of an NFL coach after a game.)
0:15 -- Rose answers that a "man wants to smell like a man," which means if Aqua Velva is involved, apparently a mad wants to smell like a scented urinal cake.
0:22 -- "Seems so refreshing and masculine." Good Lord, is this woman actually existed in the year 2012, she would have broken Deadspin by now. Also, I'm fairly certain that her libido wouldn't allow her to function in the clubhouse, where naked man are the quantitative equivalent of trees in an arboretum.
0:25 -- "A man wants to...." "Feel like a man!" She's completing Rose's sentences. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife. Pete hasn't had wood like this since he hit an eight team parlay (that included five Reds games) back in 1973.
0:29 -- Commercial ends with the sultry vixen reporter admitting that the last 28 seconds of her life have convinced her that, yes, indeed, there is something about an Aqua Velva man. She gently places a hand on Pete's back, which compels Pete (in a metaphor about 30 years ahead of its time that Cialis might steal in their next ad campaign) to toss his wood into the air.
Pete Rose winds up in a chorus line with hecklers
0:01 -- Pete Rose, the all-time king of focus in the abtter's box, calls time out so that he can address a heckler in the crowd. (It's generally assumed that he stopped doing this once he got to Philly otherwise, with all of their hecklers, he would never stop calling time out.)
0:02 -- Holy shit!! It's Vic Tayback!! You may know him as the ornery fry cook (with the heart of gold) in the sitcom Alice, Mel Sharples! Although, truth be told, maybe this commercial is a mash up of real life and sitcom and that's Mel Sharples at a Reds game. Either way, Mel wants to know what a man really wants from his after shave. Because Pete Rose knows.
0:04 -- Well, this is Mel's lucky day! As it turns out, on a day where he happens to be seeking answers to his burning questions on after shave, he is in the midst of not just Pete Rose, but the umpire, and the kid selling popcorn, who are all Ph.D's in the science of shaving products.
0:09 -- Mel's curiosity over the redeeming qualities of after shave is rewarded with an invite (which unfortunately is a deleted scene in this commercial) to join a chorus line down on the field with the umpire, the popcorn vendor, and the great Pete Rose. This is bucket list shit, people!!
0:12 -- Pete Rose singing solo! Hell, if baseball isn't gonna put him in the Hall of Fame, can't the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame get some of that? (By the way, Rose's hair in this ad can best be described as...well, you know the hair helmets that snap onto the top of Lego people? Yeah, those.)
0:20 -- Why do I get the feeling that if we did an imdb.com search on the kid playing the popcorn vendor, we'd find that he wound up doing about 100 late 70's porno flicks?
Pete Rose gives after shave advice to his young son
0:01 -- Pete Rose is on the top step of the dugout with his son standing right next to him with his arm around him. Because having your young child in the dugout clinging to you is not distracting at all for a Major League Baseball player.
0:03 -- Pete Rose, Jr. asks his old man when he's going to start shaving. The elder Rose is unsure, but he reassures his young son that he's got something "great" to look forward to when he does start shaving.
0:10 -- My assumption that said "great" thing about shaving was the perpetual boners and desire for self gratification that come with puberty was shattered when Rose, Sr. reveals that his son should be counting down the days until he gets to slap some Aqua Velva on his face!
0:20 -- The two Roses remind us of the fresh scent and smooth feel of the magic blue juice. At this point, I was hoping Rose, Jr. would ask his old man if he was going to be saddled with the same ridiculous hair that sits atop his old man's head, but unfortunately he was still drowning in the euphoria and anticipation of someday getting to douse his cheeks in Aqua Velva.
Pete Rose reunites with Joe Morgan to discuss Aqua Velva
0:01 -- As Pete Rose leads off first base, Reds second baseman Joe Morgan just happens to be standing next to the base, which makes Rose stealing second an incredibly stupid play.
0:02 -- Still, Charlie Hustle is undeterred and decides, "Fuck it, Bench's arm was a wet noodle by the time I left to go to Philly. Let's do this!" and he takes off for second.
0:03 -- SAFE!!! You suck, Bench!!
0:06 -- Joe Morgan greets Rose with the incredibly awkward "Hey, Pete Rose of the Philadelphia Phillies!" as if (a) we didn't know who the hell it was, (b) he didn't realize who the hell it was until Rose got to the base, and (c) he hadn't played with Rose in Cincinnati for the better part of a decade.
0:10 -- Having presumably not seen Rose in months, Morgan asks the first question that's always on my mind when I link up with an old friend -- "What kind of after shave you using these days??"
0:12 -- Rose, seemingly pissed off that Morgan would forget what type of after shave he used as a Cincinnati Red, scolds Morgan that he's an Aqua Velva man. (BLOOPER ALERT: Rose started this ad with a helmet on first base and replaces it with a regular cloth baseball cap.)
0:15 -- Joe acts like he recalls Pete's affinity for Aqua Velva, but I think he was lying.
0:22 -- Rose makes sure Morgan will never, ever forget his choice in after shave again by giving him a serenade that makes Mark Wahlberg's singing scene in Ted look like a Paul McCartney concert.
So there, baseball. There's my case for Rose in the Hall of Fame. Nobody did more for discount toiletries than ol' Charlie Hustle. And if you're not going to put him in, could you at least add a kiosk in Cooperstown with these ads playing on an endless loop?
There's something about an Aqua Velva man!!
(Hat tip to @jozzycop on Twitter for tweeting these video clips to me.)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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