Things That Made Us Laugh at Houston in 2014
YouTube screenshot of "I Stand Sunday" video
Oh, Houston. You guys never cease to amaze us.
From Mayor Parker's ill-fated religious subpoenas to a robot-sounding robber, this city gave us bucket after bucket of delightful anecdotes in 2014.
It'll be hard to top the accidental (and often inappropriate) hilarity in 2015, but we're sure the City of Sizzurp will give it that good ol' college try. Until next year, y'all.
-- There was that time the City of Houston subpoenaed a bunch of sermons from local pastors fighting the LGBT protections afforded under the newly-passed Houston Equal Rights Ordinance. Mayor Parker got bibles -- and anger -- in return, and while the windfall was probably harrowing for the people in charge, we sat back and laughed. King James Version forever.
Houston Texans vs. Cleveland Browns
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Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts
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Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals
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-- "They confronted me. So THEY want confrontation." -- There was that time erasing video evidence proved to be too difficult for a couple of HPD officers.
-- "I just need to go to an island or something." -- The eloquent words of Andre Johnson, spoken while very frustrated because of some sort of football something-or-other.
-- "I AM PISSED OFF TO THE HIGHEST OF PISSTIVITY!!!!" -- said one HFD Captain in an epic Facebook rant.
-- "Let the bacon-haters shoot up their own targets. Then it's a big win for all of us." -- Angela Box, the now-former HISD elementary school teacher who also called Muslims "goat-fuckers."
-- "I want to shoot a gator in the face!" -- Kendall Jones, the Texas Tech cheerleader and Houston native who caused uproar on social media after posting photos of her big safari kills.
-- "In Texas, when you're seated in your restroom, putting on your Maybelline, when I need to take a leak, I'm not going there." -- A homophobic and transphobic Phil Robertson at "I Stand Sunday," a protest thrown by Houston's Grace Community Church in their fight against the "dark forces" and the "radical agenda" that is (apparently) sweeping our nation.
-- "My neighbors on Steel Street -- at the Kirby and Alabama intersection, arguably the single most desirable location in Houston -- and I have become victims of the grotesque leveraging of urban space by those who falsely assert that the market alone decide outcomes." -- Writer Anis Shivani dishes on the horrors of Upper Kirby Gentrification in Houston. Gentrification, we repeat. In Upper Kirby.
-- Oh, and that time a robot-voiced robber sent us plunder from Theresa Roemer's "she-cave" -- including what was presumably a lock of Roemer's late son's hair.