New York, Boston and the rest of New England are expected to be pounded today and tomorrow with a massive storm that could dump three feet of snow on residents.
Being used to awesomely bad weather here on the Gulf Coast, we have a couple of tips. We also would like to compare massive blizzards to tropical storms/hurricanes, to see which is worse.
Ready? Let's get this done, New York, before your power goes out!!
TIPS: 1. Stock up on non-perishable food You'll eat this the first night, before you quickly discover that you've got plenty of food in the pantry that tastes way better than the refried-beans mix that was the only think left on the ShopRite shelves. At that point normal eating will resume.
2. Stock up on beer and liquor DO THIS FIRST. Otherwise you will find yourself in shock at what's been tucked far back on the liquor-store shelves all these years. Pro tip: DO NOT look at any expiration dates. Just suck it up and buy it.
COMPARISON BETWEEN TROPICAL STORMS & MASSIVE BLIZZARDS: 3. Names Hurricanes are named from a list developed by weather dudes. So you get headlines like "Hurricane Debby Barreling Towards Coast." Unless "Debby" is a shotgun-wielding piece of trailer-park meth trash, a name like that doesn't exactly induce shivers.
Some blizzards, on the other hand, qualify as "nor'easters," a name that conjures up images of raincoated sailors hanging grimly on to boat steering wheels (whatever those things are called), yelling orders through the storm in thick Pepperidge Farm accents. ADVANTAGE: NORTHEAST
2. Ability to frighten through old TV footage Face it, the TV news will spend most of their time doing three things: 1) Showing people at Home Depots and supermarkets; 2) Having reporters standing on dry streets in front of idle sand trucks which, you'll be told, are "ready to go"; and 3) Showing old footage of storms designed to scare the shit out of you and keep you watching.
Which type of storm provides the scarier vintage footage? Hurricanes can show reporters gripping trees as debris flies all around, boats being shoved ashore, etc etc. Blizzards just show romantic snow falling over newly quiet city streets. ADVANTAGE: GULF COAST
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1. Getting rid of what the sky has dumped on you Looking out the window at three feet of snow that has to be shoveled away is enough to throw your back out just by anticipation. Floodwaters, on the other hand, take care of themselves by receding. Often it's by receding very goddamn slowly, but like we say, they do the job themselves.
We suppose you could wait for the snow to melt, but your neighbors will be pissed. ADVANTAGE: GULF COAST
So bundle up, Yankees, and remember: It could be worse.