Yesterday, I got an e-mail from my friend R.J. Bell, founder of wagering infotainment website pregame.com. I love getting e-mails from R.J. because they always have the gambling spin on whatever the latest sports news is. You know how some people subscribe to services that send them inspirational e-mails each day? Well, that's my version of inspiration.
R.J.'s emails are like "Chicken Soup for the Degenerate Soul."
Anyway, yesterday's e-mail laid out, among other things, odds on where (or if) Tim Tebow would next be playing football. The odds were very interesting and they went like this:
- In the NFL -200 - In the Canadian Football League +400 - Will not play football again +400 - In the Arena Football League +1000
A couple observations on these odds:
1. Perhaps I jumped the gun on the title of yesterday's post where I actually attached the phrase "R.I.P." to Tebow. To be fair, I did clarify in the title and the piece that I was referring to his career as a quarterback. But the combination of several stupid teams and the gambling gods attaching a virtual 68 percent chance to Tebow staying in the league as a whole is a little harrowing.
2. When exactly would a "Will not play football again" wager pay off? Isn't that somewhat open-ended? Somewhat open-ended, hell, it's entirely open-ended, especially when you consider every little podunk league looking for a gimmick to pop a crowd on a random Thursday night in May, and the potential for Tebow to pop said crowd.
Which brings us to the latest bit of Tebow news (courtesy of ESPN.com -- ):
The Omaha Beef have a job waiting for Tim Tebow if he wants it -- and the Nebraska indoor football team will even pay him $75 a game. A day after Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, the Beef called the office of Tebow agent Jimmy Sexton to offer a standard player contract.
Beef assistant general manager Andrew Mather said Tuesday that he doesn't expect to hear back, but he thought it was worth asking.
Tebow went unclaimed on NFL waivers Tuesday.
The Beef's quarterback, James McNear, has led the team to a 5-1 start. He's completing 70 percent of his passes and has thrown for 21 touchdowns against just two interceptions.
McNear is anything but insulted by the Beef's wooing of Tebow.
"I think Tim can learn a lot from me," McNear said.
If you're looking for a calibration of "where are we now?" in the Tim Tebow saga, we are at the part where minor league indoor football quarterbacks are talking shit to him.
As Henry Hill said in Goodfellas, "This is the bad time." For those of you who don't know, and my guess is outside the cities of Omaha and the nine other metro hotbeds that comprise the CPIFL (Champions Professional Indoor Football League because I know you were gonna ask) you didn't, the Omaha Beef are a professional indoor football team, currently sitting at 5-1 and chasing the dastardly 7-1 Wichita Wild for first place in the league. (Omaha....Wichita....it's like the Bears and Packers for sleepy, little Heartland cities!)
Apparently, the Beef think Tebow is the final missing piece to
getting more than a couple thousand people in the front door bringing home a CPIFL title!
We see minor league teams do this all the time. Honestly, in the publicity arc for transcendent celebrities, being the object of stunts like these are almost a rite of passage. Some of them end up coming to fruition, like Roger Clemens and the Sugar Land Skeeters last season. Most of them are done so that the team in question gets 24 hours and millions of clicks worth of free publicity, like Justin Bieber being offered a minor league hockey tryout.
There's no expectation of an affirmative answer, just a desperate (and admittedly, marketing savvy) ploy for attention. It would be like some random clod like me putting up a "WILL YOU MARRY ME, JENNIFER?" billboard on I-10 the next time someone breaks up with Jennifer Aniston.
Yes, with two breakups in less than a year now, Tim Tebow is slowly becoming the Aniston of the NFL.
So, with my being a total sheep for this kind of thing, I clicked on the Beef's website and here are a few things that I learned:
1. Holy shit! They have a former Notre Dame wide receiver (and not a total scrub either) on their roster! Duval Kamara was the number-two wideout on the team for a couple years earlier this decade. Now, he's running around in an Omaha Beef uni! Charlie Weis Era, bitches!!
2. The Omaha Beef have a dance team called the Prime Dancers. While you would think the jokes write themselves, everyone seems to be a little sensitive these days about pointing out the occasional subtle chunkiness of random power dancers, so I shall refrain and tell the Prime Dancers to keep on keepin' on! You go, girls!
3. This Sunday, the Beef are having a "Pink Out" for the Nebraska division of the Susan B. Komen Foundation. Pink, beef, breasts...nope, too easy, humor gods. Too easy.
So what will happen now, as relates to Tebow? He was fine coming in and taking a backup role to Mark Sanchez in New York because of the publicity buzz in the Big Apple. I'm not sure the hustle and bustle of Omaha affords him those same "off the field" opportunities.
Also, I'm not sure what the salary cap situation is for the Champions Professional Indoor Football League, but if the best the Beef can do is pony up $75 a game, well, Tebow can make that in the time it takes him to autograph one shirtless picture of himself at any Jacksonville area Wal-Mart.
So as much as we would like to see the healthy jiggle of the Prime Dancers as the Beef's public address announcer wails out "NUMBER 15....TIM TEEEEEBOOOOWWW....", and as much as we would like to see if Tim Tebow could top the number of times he said the word "excited" in his Jets introductory presser....
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...I just don't see it happening.
There will be no Tebow Beef Sandwich at Ralston Arena.