Tim Tebow's First Day As A New York Jet -- A Screenplay
A family film, to be sure
EXT. NEW YORK JETS HEADQUARTERS BUILDING, FLORHAM PARK, NJ -- DAY
It's a cold, crisp late March afternoon as a limousine pulls into the front driveway of the Jets headquarters building. Out steps the newest New York Jet, quarterback Tim Tebow, dressed in jeans and a long coat. As he steps out of the car, he kisses his two index fingers and points at the sky to thank God for the limousine parking safely in the driveway. (Ten seconds before that he had done the exact same thing for the limo making a proper left-hand turn, and twenty seconds before that he had done the exact same thing for successfully finishing a bottle of spring water and an energy bar on the trip from the airport to Florham Park.)
Tebow walks in through the front door of the building.
INT. MAIN LOBBY -- RECEPTION DESK
Rice University Owls Football vs. Florida Atlantic University Owls Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 5, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulane University Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 12, 11:00am
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Louisville Cardinals College Football
TicketsThu., Nov. 17, 7:00pm
Rice University Owls Football vs. UTEP Miner Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 19, 11:00am
A buxom brunette named Jenn is manning the phones at the reception desk . Tebow strides confidently to the desk as the ample-breasted receptionist has her phone on speaker and is deleting a handful of personal voicemail messages. She disgustedly deletes them one after the other.
Audio of receptionist Jenn's voicemails
JENN: (shaking her head) Four years and he still won't stop calling me! ...(looking at Tebow) I'm sorry, can I help you?
TEBOW: Yes, I'm Tim Tebow. I'm the new quarterback, I'm here to see Mr. Tannenbaum.
JENN: New quarterback, huh... (stands up and assesses Tebow's package)... do you have unlimited texting?
JENN: (sitting back down) Oh, never mind. I'll get Mr. Tannenbaum for you right away.... (dials Mike Tannenbaum's extension) Mr. Tannenbaum, Tim Tebow is here to see you... okay... (hangs up, faces Tebow) He says he'll be right down, have a seat.
TEBOW: Thank you. God bless.
Jenn looks confused as to why she was just blessed for merely contacting Tebow's appointment. Tebow goes and sits down on the couch and kisses both index fingers and points at the sky, thanking God for his proper execution of sitting down on a couch. Thirty seconds later, Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum walks into the lobby and approaches Tebow.
TANNENBAUM: Welcome, Tim. (shaking hands)
TEBOW: Hello, Mr. Tannenbaum. It's nice to be here. I've only been here for three minutes, and I feel right at home. That Jenn is a very nice lady.
TANNEBAUM: (looking concerned) You didn't exchange cell phone numbers with her, did you?
TEBOW: No, but I'd be happy to if....
TANNENBAUM: NO..NO..NO...that's quite all right. We're still dealing with a, um, situation with a previous quarterback. Not your concern. What do you say we go over into the amphitheater and I can start to get you acquainted with the Jets.
TEBOW: Gee, Mr. Tannenbaum, that sounds dandy!
Tebow and Tannebaum head into the amphitheater, which conveniently enough is attached to the lobby. INT. JETS TEAM AMPHITHEATRE
Tebow takes a seat in the front row as Tannenbaum presses a button on the wall. A large movie screen descends from the ceiling and Tannenbaum grabs a remote that controls the video player in the room.
TANNENBAUM: Tim, we are a proud franchise, and even though we've only been to one Super Bowl and that took place over four decades ago, I'm going to tell you we have a rich tradition, because if I say it enough then by God, you might believe me.
TEBOW: (excited) Did you say GOD??
TANNENBAUM: It's a figure of speech, kid...
TEBOW: (subdued) Oh...
TANNENBAUM: Anyway, as I was saying, we're a proud franchise, and in any proud franchise leadership on the field starts at the top. I think you're really going to enjoy Coach Ryan...
Tannenbaum presses the PLAY button on the remote and the following video begins.
TANNENBAUM: I know that video may seem a tad uncomfortable, but I really think...
TEBOW: (interrupting excitedly) Uncomfortable? Yeah, uncomfortably AWESOME! Mr. Tannenbaum, John 13:10 says "Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." So it sounds like Coach Ryan understands the holy value and symbolism of washing the feet of his disciples! (Tebow kisses his index fingers and points at the sky)
TANNENBAUM: Um...yeah...I guess you could say that...sure, why not...(Tannebaum awkwardly kisses his index fingers and points at the sky like Tebow)
TEBOW: Well, so far, so good, Mr. Tannenbaum...so what can you tell me about the other quarterbacks?
TANNEBAUM: Well, you heard me mention our franchise's rich tradition before. Well, it stems from our long line of quarterbacks that goes all the way back to the late `60's with a fellow you may have heard of by the name of Joe Namath... (presses PLAY on the remote)
TEBOW: Holy smokes, Mr. Tannenbaum, I can't believe Mr. Namath asked that nice lady to go all the way on television!
TANNENBAUM: Huh? All the way? He asked if he could kiss her...
TEBOW: I know. Like I said...all the way...crazy.... TANNENBAUM: Um, sure, whatever.... uh, anyway. The quarterback position today is manned by a fellow named Mark Sanchez, you might've heard of him. (Leans in with a smirk) ...We all call him "Dirty"...HA HA!!
As Tannenbaum laughs hysterically at his "Dirty Sanchez" joke, Tebow stares straight faced at him with a blank stare.
TANNENBAUM: (gathering himself) ...um, anyway. Sanchez is going to be the starter next year, but we're going to give you the chance to compete, and rest assured when Sanchez falters, we will probably succumb to the pressure of ten million citizens and give you a shot, Tim. And let's face it, Sanchez is going to falter. Kid doesn't take the game all that seriously... (presses PLAY on the remote)
TEBOW: Wow, so he ate a hot dog on the bench? Is Mr. Dirty aware of how much sodium is in one of those? Those aren't very good for you. Unless you try one of those turkey dogs, they're far more nutritious and if you...
TANNENBAUM: (interrupting) Uh yeah, anyway. We'd rather you not eat stadium food on the bench, but if you're going to get into any "wiener trouble," we would rather it be eating one than texting pictures of one... (presses PLAY on the remote)
TEBOW: So Mr. Favre sent pictures of his....
TEBOW: To Miss Jenn?
Tebow runs to the corner, drops to one knee with his right fist touching his head and begins repeatedly muttering the Lord's Prayer at 78 RPM speed. After about five minutes, he kisses his index fingers, points at the sky, and returns to his seat.
TANNENBAUM: Anyway, as I was saying. The less you involve wieners, the better off we'll all be. Got it?
TEBOW: Yes, Mr. Tannenbaum.
TANNENBAUM: Any questions so far, Tim?
TEBOW: Well yes, sir. Who is my center going to be?
TANNENBAUM: Oh, you're gonna love him, Tim. His name is Nick Mangold. He is an absolute BEAST. Strong, powerful, he's one of the best in the league. Check him out... (presses PLAY on the remote)
TEBOW: Holy cow, Mr. Tannenbaum, he IS strong! That makes me feel really...
TANNENBAUM: (interrupting) Wait, sorry, Tim. Wrong clip. That's Nick's sister Holley. Nick's not quite as big and powerful as she is, but I think you'll like playing with him.
TEBOW: I'm sure I will. I love all my teammates, and my teammates love me.
TANNENBAUM: Well, Tim, it's funny you say that. I know your teammates have always loved you everywhere you've been. I think it's my duty to warn you that that streak will be put to the test on this team. We have a wide receiver named Santonio Holmes, and one time last season he...well, let me just show you... (with a frightened look of anticipation, presses PLAY on the remote)
TANNENBAUM: See, here's why I'm warning you, Tim. Santonio got that angry last season at Mark Sanchez, and Sanchez can actually throw a spiral like a normal quarterback. You throw the ball like you're throwing a twenty-pound bag of flour. I'm just fearful that if Santonio almost beat up Mark, he might do something drastic to you. Santonio once killed a man, Tim!
TANNENBAUM: Well, I don't know if you need to worry about him, but we have a cornerback by the name of Antonio Cromarite who was pretty vocal while we were pursuing you that we needn't do that. He's a big fan of Sanchez, and doesn't appear to be all that fond of you.
TEBOW: Well, that's no problem, Mr. Tannenbaum. I can connect with anybody. He and I just need to find something in common. What are Mr. Cromartie's interests?
TANNENBAUM: Well....um....this? (presses PLAY on the remote)
TEBOW: Hmmm, it looks like his interests differ from mine. Would you happen to know if his kids need circumcisions, Mr. Tannenbaum?
TANNENBAUM: (disgusted) Um, no. I haven't asked him if his kids need circumcisions, Tim.
TEBOW: Well, hopefully they do! (Tebow kisses his index fingers and points at the sky in hopes he gets to circumcise Antonio Cromartie's illegitimate children)
TANNENBAUM: Well, if you don't have any other questions, Tim, I'm gonna leave you with a little motivational speech, courtesy of another one of your future teammates, linebacker Bart Scott. This clip is after a big playoff win a couple years ago. (presses PLAY on the remote)
TANNENBAUM: CAN'T WAIT!! That's kind of become our catch phrase. Does that fire you up, Tim?
TEBOW: Yes sir!
TANNENBAUM: Stand up, Tim. I wanna see you get fired up! Let me hear you say it!
Tebow stands up and begins hulking up like Hulk Hogan, pumping his fists, and flexing his arms.
TANNENBAUM: That's right, Tim!! Fire up!! Are you ready to be a Jet?!? ARE YOU READY TO BE A JET, TIM TEBOW?!?!
Tebow is now shirtless, shaking his fists, growling, snarling, and practically bleeding through his eyeballs. If he were a volcano, he'd be ready to erupt.
TANNENBAUM: COME ON, TIM!!!! LET'S HEAR IT!!! CHANNEL BART SCOTT!!! SCREAM IT OUT, TIM!!!
TEBOW: GOD BLESS!!!!!!!
Tannenbaum pauses, shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders, and gets down on one knee and puts his right fist to his forehead. Tebow does likewise. Rex Ryan walks into the room with a stack of foot fetish DVDs and a bucket of chicken.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.