To The Shores Of Tripoli: Five Pirate Movies
We're not saying the Somali pirates are bad at their job, exactly; just that it doesn't take a lot of skill to take over ships when you're the only guys with guns. They showed the extent of their foresight most recently by hijacking some American ships, thus rousing the sniper-y might of the United States Navy. While they plot their next move, here are some fellow unfortunate buccaneers to keep them company.
5. The Pirate Movie (1982)
This is the first movie I ever walked out of. Of course, "walking out" of a movie when you're only 12 years old meant "loitering in the lobby and occasionally playing Asteroids," but it was a pretty significant move for a kid who -- at the time -- counted Godzilla vs. Megalon among his favorite films.
4. Hercules and the Black Pirate (1964)
Pecs ahoy! The film's producers are obviously hoping Alan Steel's magnificent beefcake will keep audiences from asking what the hell Hercules is doing in the 18th century. Steel's real name is "Sergio Ciani," which was probably ditched so that people wouldn't, I don't know, think the character was of Mediterranean origin or something.
3. Pirates (1986)
Samantha Geimer, the (then) 13-year old girl Roman Polanski had "unlawful sexual intercourse" with (according to his plea bargain), has recently requested the charges against the fugitive director he dropped. Even if that happens, he should still be clapped in irons and made to answer for this.
And Walter Matthau can be tried as an accomplice. That accent...yeesh.
2. Pirates of Treasure Island (2006)
Another product of the Asylum, the production company behind such notable ripoffs as Transmorphers and Snakes on a Train, this is also the correct answer to the question "Has Lance Henriksen ever starred in a movie more embarrassing than Stone Cold or Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud?"
1. Cutthroat Island (1995)
Deafeningly incoherent and featuring laughably bad performances by Matthew Modine, Frank Langella, and director Renny Harlin's wife Geena Davis, CI also bankrupted Carolco Pictures and effectively destroyed Harlin's career as a big-budget action director, so at least some good came out of it.
And I count Deep Blue Sea among my favorite films.
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