Tom DeLay Goes Dancing With The Stars
It's nice to know that the dignified, studious, classy Tom DeLay we all knew and loved in the Congress is alive and well...and appearing on Dancing with the Stars.
Because that's what serious people do.
ABC announced today that the former King of Sugar Land will be a contestant along with such notable political philosophers as Donnie Osmond and pro skateboarder Louie Vito.
Osmond and Vito might not show up on Fox News as often as DeLay; on the other hand, neither one has wasted millions of dollars and government time pushing an idiotic impeachment over a blow job.
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. UTSA Roadrunners Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 6:00pm
Rice University Owls Football vs. Prairie View A&M University Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 22, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. UCF Knights Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 29, 11:00am
DeLay says he's been "working out like crazy," which sounds about right. But what kind of contestant will he be? The past gives us some clues.
When he gets criticized by a judge, he'll take it in good spirits. Like shouting "I AM the federal government!!!" as he did to a hapless waitress who told him DC had a federal no-smoking rule.
And then he just might say, as he told the Washington Post in 1997, "The judges need to be intimidated. They need to uphold the Constitution. (If they don't behave) we're going to go after them in a big way." Because who doesn't like a courtroom shooting or two?
Not that he's all serious. No doubt after one energetic dance, flush with excitement and the thrill of the music, he'll repeat what he said to three newly homeless kids sitting on cots in the post-Katrina Astrodome: "Now tell me the truth, boys, is this kind of fun?"
And, when asked about his dancing strategy, he can always refer to his trenchant analysis of human relationships: "It takes a man to provide structure. To provide stability. Not that a woman can't provide stability, I'm not saying that... It does take a father, though."
How will it end? If DeLay senses things aren't going well -- again, if history is any guide -- he'll quit in a spoiled-brat fit: "I think I could have won this seat but it would have been nasty, it would have cost a fortune to do it."
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.