Top 5 Alternatives to Watching the Texans This Sunday
Let's be honest with ourselves for a minute. Whether or not we love the Texans, they have been extremely tough to watch lately. With Gary Kubiak committing to Matt Schaub for another game (and hopefully not another pick six), I'm just not sure any of us are ready to trust this team to be anything other than heartbreaking.
And why break your heart again? WHY? All it leaves you with is a broken remote control, terrified children and a wife who "just doesn't know you anymore." The Texans is breaking you and it's destroying your family. That's why, good sports fan, it's time to turn your eyes to other pursuits this Sunday. Give yourself a bye week and tend to happier matters. We have some suggestions.
Do Household Chores
These suck any day of the week, but they are so much more fun when the alternative is yet another soul crushing defeat. No one says you can't drink beer while you sweep the floor and do the laundry. Hell, have two! You deserve it for doing those tasks you meant to get to right before football season started. Plus, your wife will be super happy with you, which leads me to...
Right after the chores are done and you've showered the stink off of you, whip out some roses you got the wife on a run to the grocery store (discount flowers...BONUS!), put on some sweet soul music and dance around your living room like you are living out a Cialis ad. The woman who didn't even know you anymore will swoon and you will get to play pin the tail on the MILF if you are lucky, tiger. Play Actual Football
Surprisingly, they make actual footballs and jerseys and helmets and stuff. Who knew? Run out to your local sporting goods store, stock up on gear, grab some buds and head to the park. You may have to visit your doctor on Monday, but the rugged activity will help burn off some of that fat you've acquired over the first few weeks of the NFL season, pudgy. No, stress does not burn fat, particularly when you measure your snack consumption in Family Size bags of chips.
You know those weird ads with the double-sized football players, one of whom whisks a dude off to watch a game and, to satisfy his shrew of a wife, brings her back some shitty table from the discount home store? You know, the really sexist and creepy one? Well, that could be you minus the giant player and the piece of crap sideboard. Are antiques boring? Of course they are. But, keep in mind that this along with chores might send you right past sex and into...nevermind, don't jinx it.
Watch a Different Game
Come on, you know this is what you are going to do anyway. If you want to avoid having to do chores and go antiquing, do this at a buddy's house or a sports bar. Having to do a bunch of bogus girl stuff on Sunday during NFL season is so wrong anyway.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- #BlackLivesMatter Faces Backlash After Deputy’s Slaying
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00am
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 2:30pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 6:00pm
- College Football: Five Best Bets On Season Win Totals
- With No Funding, Texas Race Tracks Ordered to Close — at Least for Now