Tunnel Mole Finds Underground Economy Getting Nervous
They say you haven't made it 'til you've been on YouTube, or had a crazed fan kill themselves in front of one of your houses, but I am disconsolate to admit that apparently, I've made it. No deaths, thankfully. Somehow, some freakin' idiot put me upon the Internets
Keep in mind if I'd known I was being filmed, those nose hairs would have been clipped before I set paw in the tunnel! And don't worry; I escaped. Nothin's gonna keep this mole trapped for long. Not even this contraption, sent to me by a purported friend.
If you want to trap a Tunnel Mole, try a Punkin Spiced Latte. That's what I was getting underneath the old Pennzoil Building today, and noticed that the customer base was a little light on the energy-company employees. Are they working harder than ever, way up high in their cubicles, forgoing caffeine and poising to pull the trigger on high-priced petroleum products?
When IS that shoe gonna drop? We like the dollar being stronger when oil gets weaker, but we sure miss all the Khakis and Polo shirts in line at the Starbucks. (And you should see what the men wear!)
Anyways, Hair Balls had dispatched me to the tunnel "to see what businesses have closed." No one gets an expense account for coffee, or even danger pay, despite the creation and implementation of special traps -- discriminatory traps, at that.
And a quick survey saw five or six businesses shuttered. Not a depression, but not a great sign either.
So why have these various businesses closed? Are they pissed off about paying under $2 a gallon for gas, or perhaps they are making a political statement: "We ain't workin' 'til Obama is impeached. America deserves a president that is incompetent and war-hungry!!"
We saw the abandoned space across from one of the dentists in the tunnel, but can't remember what was there to begin with. Maybe that's why it closed.
Take heart, O ye of little faith. Like Dubya said after 9/11, "go shopping!" Only do it in the Downtown Houston Tunnel System. This blip in crude oil's meteoric rise -- $56.16 a barrel today, one-third of the peak reached last summer, and much cheaper than the equivalent in Punkin Spiced Latte! -- won't last long.
The group of petroleum-connected Repubs we partied with (where I was truly a mole) on Election Night predicted $200 a barrel within a couple years.
-- Tunnel Mole
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Texans-Saints: Four Things To Watch For
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00am
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 2:30pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 6:00pm
- 5 New Laws That Go Into Effect Next Week
- Finally — Documented Proof of the Homosexual Agenda!