Twitter War! The Iron Sheik Calls Out Arian Foster!

I've mentioned in this space a few times, during the 2011 NFL season I did a weekly show with Texans running back Arian Foster on Yahoo! Sports Radio. In my five years and change in talk radio, those sessions with him were some of the more fun moments I've had doing radio.

The first few weeks we did the show were tough, by and large because Arian was dealing with missing games from a nagging hamstring injury, but we hit our stride pretty well once he got back onto the field.

There were a couple reasons I think I enjoyed it so much:

First, of all the things Arian liked to discuss, football seemed to rank somewhere outside the top ten. That was fun to me, that was interesting to me, and I think it was for listeners, too. (For the record, I think the following things all ranked ahead of football for Arian as discussion topics: Egypt, American Idol, his daughter, the corruption within the NCAA, interpreting dreams, etymology, and Twitter.)

Second, Arian was still in a place career-wise where he seemed fascinated, if not perplexed, by his level of celebrity. He would routinely seem genuinely humbled if you brought up the fact that little kids wore his jersey to games or to school. He thought it was "cool" (in an endearing grade-schooler kind of way) when defensive players would talk about having to shut him down, referring to him by name.

In short, he didn't really see himself as "famous" at that point. (He may still not to this day, I just don't see him on a weekly basis anymore, so I can't really say.)

So it wasn't a big surprise that the perpetually intrigued, perpetually socializing-with-the-masses Foster was soliciting his Twitter followership for some new, interesting people to follow on Twitter late last week:

The Twitterverse came back with many suggestions, and not surprisingly many people suggested themselves as someone Foster should follow for the daily dose of humor he was requesting. That group of self suggesters included former WWF champion and the wrestling poster child for '80's xenophobia in the genre, the Iron Sheik.

In case you don't remember or have never heard of the Iron Sheik, kids, here are some samples of his wrestling work:

Okay, so you get the point -- just a few years after Iran held a bunch of Americans hostage in the early '80's, the Iron Sheik was the scourge of all things America, the quintessential villain, a mustachioed Satan. Got it? Good.

Well, today the Iron Sheik has evolved into more of a cult hero than anything else, having separated himself from his wrestling persona and embraced a level of crazy that makes Ron Artest seem like J.J. Watt. So that you have a basis for what the Sheik's "personality" entails these days, check out this video. Viewing is NOT optional, it's necessary, and the language is NSFW. You've been warned:  

They say Twitter is best utilized when it's an extension of one's personality, so having seen that Sheik interview, we circle back to his Twitter reply to Arian Foster's request for some funny people to follow:

Extension of personality? Um, yes.

To people who don't follow or know about the Iron Sheik, his reply to Foster was some sort of twisted demand for butt sex. To anyone who follows Arian Foster and the Iron Sheik (I raise my hand), the Sheik's reply was a gift from the Twitter heavens, a Festivus miracle!

Honestly, if I had to pick two people on my timeline to converse with each other on Twitter, it might be the Iron Sheik and Arian Foster, and it was about to happen! (To be clear, the Iron Sheik and anybody else are all tied for second. The Iron Sheik is awesome.)

So we all waited for Arian's reply, and when it finally came it became clear -- Arian Foster is not in on the Iron Sheik joke. He's clearly in the "sees Sheik's tweet as a twisted demand for butt sex" group.

Still, the Iron Sheik stayed after it....

...and still Arian Foster was having none of it....

Still, the Sheik began going to all of his different Twitter go-to moves, which mostly involve the Sheik telling everyone how small their dick is:

At this point, Arian Foster began to realize that the Iron Sheik is not just some garden variety kook spewing venom and threatening sodomy as a weapon to encourage humility. He's a kook with 238,000 Twitter followers!

Sheik went to the Koko B. Ware card....

Arian tweeted empathy for Sheik's dilapidated mental state....


Sheik suggested Arian eat some animal feces....

...and then hit him with the ultimate finisher, the Camel Clutch of Sheik Twitter insults, he equated Arian Foster to Hulk Hogan....


It was about this time that the Sheik-a-maniacs were coming out of the woodwork, apparently offering up some "eat dog shit" appetizers to Foster to go with the Sheik's main course:

Ultimately, Arian Foster did the disappointing (to me, at least) but prudent thing, and let the Sheik be:

And just like that, the Twitter dream match we'd all been hoping for ended with a resounding thud. That's the bad news.

The good news is that the Iron Sheik could get back to tormenting Dwight Howard, and that's a cause that all of us, American or Iranian, can get behind...

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports radio from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. CST weekdays, and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at

Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.

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