MORE

Two-Headed Turtle at the San Antonio Zoo: The End Times Are Upon Us

Which one's Thelma?
Which one's Thelma?
Courtesy San Antonio Zoo

As if Sen. Wendy Davis's filibustering wasn't an awful enough affront to the Lord our God, the San Antonio Zoo has unleashed a monster upon the world that must surely be a harbinger of Armageddon: Behold Thelma and Louise, a two-headed turtle dispatched from the Gates of Hell -- but still just cute as the dickens!

The bicephalic beast of Beelzebub was "part of a quartet of Texas cooters" hatched June 18, according to the zoo's Web site.

The zoo tells us that such grotesques are "not unheard of in both the wild and captive populations" and that "bicephalic animals are actually twins that did not separate." We maintain that this is just Cerberus in reptilian form.

"At this time, Thelma and Louise are doing well on exhibit and eating with both heads," according to the zoo's Curator of Reptiles, Amphibians, and Aquatics (i.e., Satan's puppet).

The armored serpent made its public debut June 25, so if you want to risk being turned into a pillar of salt by staring directly into its four eyes, be our guest. But don't say we didn't warn you.


Sponsor Content