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Uh Oh: North Korea Is Aiming Nukes at....Austin? Yes, Because SXSW Is TOO CROWDED, Man

They might just be ordering lunch....
They might just be ordering lunch....

North Korea, that mysterious country of Photoshopping experts, is once again rattling sabers.

So who cares if they're shaking some ancient cavalry weapon, you ask? Well, the sabers North Korea rattles are intercontinental nuclear missles aimed at New York, LA, DC and Austin.

Austin?

Yep. Look closely at the map on the wall at the left side of the picture.

Uh Oh: North Korea Is Aiming Nukes at....Austin? Yes, Because SXSW Is TOO CROWDED, Man

You may not see it too well, but the experts in the U.S. of A. government have studied the map closely and determined that the lowest arrow, bending downwards, is headed towards Austin. (Not to worry; experts say North Korea doesn't have the rockets necessary to send the missiles across the ocean. Yet.)

Why Austin?

5. See what happens when you elect a Tea Party legislature? Tyrannies tremble. TYRANNIES TREMBLE. And don't tread on me, bro.

4. SXSW has just gotten too filled with "corporate douchiness," dude. (Note: It is mandatory to use the phrase "corporate douchiness," or some derivitive thereof, when talking about SXSW.)

3. Mack Brown has already nuked what's left of the UT football program. The cupboard is bare, so North Korea's missiles will look like they've done more damage than they actually have.

 

2. Kim Jong Un got cock-blocked on Sixth Street. Another SXSW disaster. Kim was so damn close to getting this Phi Mu chick's digits when the cops came along telling everyone to keep moving.

It led, of course, to a son's version of his father's anthem.

1. He bombed Austin to nip Rick Perry's 2016 presidential campaign in the bud. You have to react quickly and strongly to such dire threats, like the thought of President Perry riding a James Bond hovercraft across the Pacific specifically to single-handedly kick your ass.

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