(UPDATE: I'm an Idiot) Chandler Parsons's Curious Case of (Ahem) "Food Poisoning"
UPDATE: Apparently the boys at the Dream Shake blog perpetuated the story below about Chandler Parsons, complete with Twitter corroboration from Parsons' friends, as an April Fools' prank. What you read below is my falling for it! So Chandler Parsons apparently did have food poisoning on Monday, like for real. So thoughts and prayers to Parsons' lower intestines. I humbly leave evidence of my gullibility and naiveté online for all of you to enjoy! So, ENJOY!
Twice an hour during my afternoon radio show, longtime Houston reporter extraordinaire David Dalati comes on and gives an update on things going on around the world of sports -- basically, standard sports-flash-type stuff with some interview nuggets from Dalati's tireless efforts of the day mixed in.
Well, on Monday, Dalati was giving some Rockets tidbits in advance of Monday's game against the Orlando Magic, including this one:
"Rockets forward Chandler Parsons will miss the game tonight with a case of.......food poisoning."
Those ellipses dots are in there intentionally, and you'll see why in a second.
Now, it's not out of the realm of possibility for a basketball player to contract food poisoning. It happens to human beings all the time, and basketball players are human beings (except LeBron James, who is clearly some sort of cyborg sent to lull us all into a false sense of amazement before he consumes us with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse.)
Hell, this wasn't even the Rockets' first case of food poisoning to affect the lineup this season. Back in December, Carlos Delfino missed a game against the Spurs after he
was intentionally fed spoiled sausage by Manu Ginobili inadvertently ate some bad sausage at Manu Ginobili's house.
However, David Dalati's ever so discernible pause before he uttered the words "food poisoning" in the Parsons news bite was enough for me to a) ascertain some slight skepticism in Dalati's voice that Parsons was indeed poisoned by food, and b) raise the question with my co-host John Granato that, based on Dalati's seeming cynicism, perhaps the food poisoning story was a cover-up for something else.
After all, Chandler Parsons is 24 years old, good-looking, rich and single. Other than J.J. Watt, he is probably the most sought-after bachelor athlete in Houston. So "food poisoning" could be a cover for everything from a hangover to Parsons's being chained to the bedpost by a $2,000-per-hour hooker.
Well, as it turns out, and a big hat tip to my friends over at the Dream Shake blog, "food poisoning" might actually be code for "gluttony."
It started with a few tweets regarding Parsons's "triple double" on Sunday night:
Was anyone at Parson's Triple Double last night? I didn't think that was possible. #Corndogs
— Megan (@thatgirlismegan) April 1, 2013
Now, it was obvious that the "triple double" in question had nothing to do with basketball. The hashtag for "Corndogs" was certainly an indicator of this, and then add in the fact that the Rockets didn't have a game on Sunday. That's a dead giveaway!
So what exactly is this non-basketball "triple double" in which Parsons allegedly partook? Well, not being totally sure of alternate, non-basketball definitions of the "triple double," I did what any self-respecting 44-year-old white male with no street cred would do -- I went to urbandictionary.com to look it up, and if I may say, if Parsons was partaking in some of the "triple doubles" outlined therein, I could see where "food poisoning" might actually be code for "gonorrhea" or "chafed scrotum."
But alas, if you Google "triple double" along with "corn dog," it quickly becomes apparent that Parsons was partaking in an old "f
rat boy" ritual involving the day-long consumption of 100 tater tots, ten corn dogs and ten PBR beers, or as Carlos Lee likes to call it, "breakfast."
If you think the story is a reach, just know that Parsons was spotted Sunday at one of the many James Coney Island locations in the Greater Houston area:
— Leo Ponce Jr. (@The_Ponce) April 1, 2013
Since there are virtually no other 24-year-old, nearly seven-foot-tall dudes with a jar of gel caked into their hair, I have to believe this really was Parsons that this person's friend saw.
This brings us to Monday night's game with Orlando, a 111-103 Rockets win where they played without Parsons and without James Harden, whose ankle injury appears to be completely non-food-related. The Rockets are in a dogfight for the sixth seed in the Western Conference, and Parsons is arguably their second or third most important player, so this was a big win.
I have to think that Parsons will be back for Wednesday's game against Sacramento, and if the story of the "triple double" is indeed true, Rockets fans will be a little miffed, but all's well that ends well. They won the Orlando game, so no big deal. Rocket fans love Chandler Parsons.
Joey Chestnut thinks he's fucking soft, though.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.