(Very Possibly) Excerpts From The State Board Of Education's Curriculum Standards For The 2012-13 School Year
There's been a whole lot of hooting and scorn from a nation who has watched as far-right-wingers have forced their odd, minority political views into Texas textbooks. There are some carping liberal complainers who think -- difficult as it may be to believe -- that Thomas Jefferson should be mentioned when discussing the Enlightenment, even if he wasn't a mega-church Baptist.
Not everything the conservatves wanted didn't get in; a proposal to include a claim that the Civil Rights era created "unrealistic expectations of equal outcomes" among minorities apparently didn't make the cut.
But we think the rest of the nation should just relax. And maybe consider adopting some of these proposals, which we're sure are being readied as we speak.
1. Nothing of note happened before the Pilgrims touched down on Plymouth Rock. The pilgrims came here to escape secular humanists who would not allow prayer in schools. They immediately started feeding turkey to the hapless natives who were close to starvation until they showed up.
2. After that, the Indians kept attacking the settlers. Some scientists believe it was a type of allergic reaction to turkey; others say that mindless violence is simply inherent in so-called "Native Americans." Students should debate which of these theories is the likeliest cause.
Civil Rights Era
1. There was noting very "civil" about the Civil Rights Era, as radicals refused to give up their lunch-counter seats even to elderly women about to faint from not getting their pimento-cheese sandwich and iced tea. Students should discuss why respect for elders is extremely important, especially noisy, white elders who whine that textbooks have too many damn minorities in them.
2. If photos of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s March on Washington are necessary (and we're not saying they are), they must include Charlton Heston, and the caption must identify him as "a tireless fighter against (possibly overstated) prejudice AND those who would take away our Second Amendment rights."
3. Any legitimate concerns about Civil Rights (such as they were) vanished in approximately 1969.
1. Ronald Reagan reduced the size of the federal government and prudently oversaw a balanced budget, even as he was busy personally tearing down the Berlin Wall. Some "reality-based" historians may dispute this with charts and graphs; their arguments are easy proven false by quoting the great American writer Mark Twain, who said "There are lies, dosh-garned lies and statistics."
2. The U.S. economic system cannot be described as "capitalism," at least since Michael Moore hijacked it. You know who else hijacked things? The 9/11 terrorists. Students should discuss the similarities.
3. Government regulations choke the life out of a free market. Texas students should be pointed to specific examples of this in their own state, such as the refineries and plastics companies who are forced to spend millions fighting proposed clean-air laws when they would rather be spending those millions on their own pollution-fighting plans, which involve handing out 10-percent-off coupons for gas masks.
Educate yourself, America!! Before the godless heathens, with their "evolution" and all, do it for you!!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.