Wasted Jacoby Jones Is Enjoying His Offseason
Someday, we will look back at the prominent athletes of the early 2010's Era (otherwise known as the Age of Manziel), and we will all realize what an underrated asset Jacoby Jones has been.
I don't know that there's an athlete from whom we've drawn such a disproportionate amount of relatively harmless (champagne bottles to the skull aside) extracurricular entertainment as compared to his place on the overall sports landscape than Jacoby Jones.
Touchdown Dancing Jacoby Jones? We got a heaping helping of him in last year's NFL postseason.
Ballroom Dancing Jacoby Jones? A direct spawn of Touchdown Dancing Jacoby Jones, we got nearly a full season's worth of BDJJ on Dancing With The Stars.
Football Botch Jacoby Jones? He returned in full force in this season's opener when a teammate ran into him and knocked him out for several weeks with a knee injury.
But I think we can all agree that the best Jacoby Jones is Wasted Jacoby Jones.
You just never know what will happen when Wasted Jacoby Jones is around. He is the Janice Soprano of NFL-players-off-the-field. A total wild card. When Wasted Jacoby Jones is around, shit happens.
It can be good shit, like his legendary appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. It can be bad shit, like Jacoby having his head busted open by a gigantic champagne bottle at the hands of something called a Sweet Pea at Bryant McKinnie's birthday party last fall.
You just never know. So when this sideline reporter at the Kings-Pelicans game on Tuesday night managed to track down Wasted Jacoby Jones (amidst the tens of people at the game), we all braced ourselves (me, giddily so). Here's what ensued:
Ok, wow. I mean, just, wow. Wasted Jacoby Jones just knocked that interview out of the park.
I don't know that Zapruder analysis does that video justice. Sometimes, videos are better off not being broken down and nitpicked frame by frame. Sometimes, they are better off merely being observed, like a beautiful painting or a majestic sculpture.
So let's do that....
1. Quite a crowd on hand for this heavyweight tilt between the Kings and the Pellies. Basketball dorks (of which I count myself as one) like to get hot and bothered by some of the young players in the league, and Boogie Cousins of the Kings and Anthony Davis of the Pelicans are two of those guys. And both are phenomenal young players. However, this crowd is a fair indicator of where both of them stand on the "put butts in seats" scale. There are only a handful of players the average NBA fan will pay money specifically to see -- LeBron, Durant, Kobe before his body turned 56 years old, maybe the CP3/Blake combo, that might be it.
(FOLLOW UP NOTE: Since I blogged this stream-of-conscious style, I didn't see that the score was 109-89 during this interview, so yes, some of the fans probably had gone home. Still, I stand by my "butts in seats" list above.)
2. The early, random stressing of the word "the" (pronounced "DUH") before "Super Bowl" in Jacoby's first sentence tells us...this is going to be AWESOME.
3. The reporter tries to confirm that it's really been since last year's Super Bowl since Jacoby was last in his hometown of New Orleans (which, given his commitments last off season is entirely possible), and he just breaks out with "It's been AWKWIDDD..." Well, it hasn't been AWKWIDDD yet, Jacoby, but my guess is that in the next 90 seconds it could be.
4. When asked about his offseason plans, and this is where I love Jacoby's honesty, he doesn't give lip service to "working out, staying focused, getting' my mind right..." Jacoby just flat out admits -- "I'M GETTIN' FAT..." Then he starts listing New Orleans cuisine. And then I got hungry. And then I started...continued, actually...to get FAT.
5. The personal highlight for me -- Jacoby's meandering into actual game analysis on the Super Bowl, his factoring in the weather, then saying the team that plays out side will win, and then realizing both teams are outdoor teams. Please, please, please, ESPN, fire SOMEBODY on the Countdown set and add Jacoby Jones.
CONCLUSION: I would easily pay $1000 for Wasted Jacoby Jones to be the entertainment at a young child's birthday party or a wedding or a corporate event. Wasted Jacoby Jones brings people together. Everybody loves Wasted Jacoby Jones.
Except Sweet Pea.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.