We Demand to See Rep. Bill Zedler's Birth Certificate, So He Can Prove Once and for All That He Was Not Born on Easter Island.
Apparently still unconvinced that President Barack Obama's birth certificate is the real McCoy -- and afraid that a foreign-born candidate might once again move his foreign self into the White House -- Arlington Congressman Bill Zedler has introduced a House bill that would give the Texas Secretary of State the authority to obtain a candidate's birth certificate from the issuing agency.
We here at Hair Balls were suspicious of this bill from the second it was introduced: just like a serial killer who interjects himself into the police investigation, so that he can appear helpful and the last guy they'd suspect of making dresses out of his victims' skin, Zedler's bill appears to be a similar ruse to make him appear innocent of what our sources have alleged to us: That Bill Zedler was not born in America, but is in fact a native of Easter Island.
We are now demanding that Zedler turn over a notarized copy of his birth certificate within 72 hours, and we ask you to join us in this petition by signing your name in the comments section.
This of course first came up in Zedler's autobiography, Dreams of My Big-Headed Fatherin which he describes his father's life as a gigantic stone monument in the hills of Rapa Nui, as the natives call the island.
A birth notice published in the Rapa Nui Islander-Shopper suggests that Zedler was born to a poor, occasionally cannibalistic family in the Hanga Roa section of the island. His name at birth reportedly could not be rendered in the written word and was pronounced via a series of glottal, ululating clicks and whistles. It is generally believed that Zedler was shuttled out of the island and into Texas during a bloody coup in which the island was overtaken by a group of natives belonging to the mystical "Bird Man Cult."
While none of these accusations have been verified, perhaps the strongest piece of evidence favoring the contention that Bill Zedler is not a natural-born American is that he has never once denied being a native Easter Islander. That silence, ladies and gentlemen, speaks volumes.
If Congressman Zedler can provide an authentic birth certificate in the specified timeframe, then we will gladly issue a correction and apologize for our misguided mission. Until then, the clock is ticking.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.