Week 12 Highlights of FFL (Fan Fighting League): Giant-On-Packer Violence Zapruder Analysis
As I take a break from the Aggies inundating my email inbox and Twitter timeline on the heels of my playful Johnny Manziel teleconference recap on Monday, let's take a hard left turn and hit on a sport that we haven't discussed here in quite some time -- Fan Fighting!
Perhaps spectators at major sporting events are beginning to heed the warnings on the Jumbotron before games about fan violence and the dire consequences faced if you are caught attempting to kick the ever loving shit out of your neighbor, but for whatever reason we haven't really had a good fight to break down in this space for a couple months.
That changes today. Well, sort of.
I don't know how great this fight is, but it took place at a Giants home game, which is kind of like a baseball game taking place in Yankee Stadium or a WWE match taking place in Madison Square Garden or a porn being filmed outdoors in the San Fernando Valley -- it just feels like a much bigger fight when Giants fans are involved.
The hat tip on this one, as usual, goes to The Big Lead, which is becoming to fan fights what CBS or FOX is to the National Football League. Which I guess makes my FFL Zapruder posts kind of like that show Turning Point on NBC Sports Network.
In other words, The Big Lead gives you the in game action, and then a day or two later, I'll detail how it all went down frame-by-frame and why this drunk was better than that drunk. It's what I do.
So without further ado, check this video out from Sunday night's Packers-Giants game at MetLife Stadium:
0:01 -- The video actually picks up the action right away, so we don't get the back story on what started the fight, but I'm going to assume that the words "your old lady" and "Parcells" came up at some point in the argument that triggered this donnybrook. At any rate, our participants appear to be as follows:
1. A heavy set Giants fan wearing a hoodie and a jersey with the number 1 on it. We will call this participant "Bastion Booger," because when he takes his hood off later in the video, he bears a slight resemblance to the obese former mid-90's WWF jobroni wrestler.
2. A somewhat well dressed, nicely groomed (for a football fan who is getting into a fistfight, at least) young man who is a Packers fan, according to the title of this YouTube clip. We will call him "Chip," because he just looks like a "Chip." Now, I say that Chip is a Packers fan, but he doesn't show any clothing signs of supporting the green and gold. I mean, he's just wearing a ski jacket and jeans, and perhaps most importantly he doesn't have a ridiculous slab of cheese perched on top of his dome. AND on top of that, his friend and ally in the video appears to be...
3. ...a New York Giants fan wearing a #94 jersey, which would normally mean that it is a Mathias Kiwanuka shirt, but if the name on the back of that jersey says "KIWANUKA" then it's got to be in like size 4 font. At any rate, this goof is also wearing one of those hats with the silly tassels that come done over the ears. We will call this Giants diehard "Pinhead 94."
4. Whoever the dipshit is that filmed this thing, some donkey who feels the need to yell "WORLD STAR! WORLD STAR!" at the top of his lungs. He will remain nameless.
Ok, back to the fight -- Booger is throwing all sorts of haymakers on Chip, almost effortlessly. Despite Booger's reach resembling that of a baby alligator, he still manages to get leverage on Chip, mostly because Chip appears to be very much of a fancy boy.
0:02 -- Chip falls down in between the rows of seats and Booger immediately starts treating Chip's face like it's the Whack-a-mole game at Chuck E. Cheese. Punches keep landing, and somewhere an imaginary Whack-a-Chip scoreboard is tallying the blows in increments of ten: BOOM! 10....BOOM! 20....BOOM! 30 ...BOOM! 40.... The only thing missing was a strand of tickets spewing out of Chip's mouth after the fight so that Booger could go exchange them for a stuffed Homer Simpson doll.
0:05 -- God dammit, what exactly does the mouth breather filming this thing mean when he screams "WORLD STAR!" Is he paying a compliment to Booger? Like he's a star of the world for how deftly he is beating the shit out of Chip? Is "WORLD STAR" the name of the supermarket at which the nincompoop behind the camera bags groceries? Or is "WORLD STAR" an actual concession in the stands at MetLife Stadium? Like a popsicle in the shape of a star, and this guy is just trying to get the concession guy's attention? This might intrigue me more than the fight in this video.
0:07 -- Pinhead 94 is finally able to peel Booger off of Chip and hold him at bay. So we have our winner, in an FFL record SIX SECONDS, Booger with the TKO on Chip!
0:09 -- Pinhead 94 actually needs some help from a dazed Chip and some other bystander to hold Booger off. And of course, after the fight is over is when Chip the Pretty Boy really starts to do what he does best -- tell Booger that if he wants to step back towards him, he will use his thousand dollar an hour tae kwon do lessons that his parents sprung for him as a kid to turn Booger's blue Giants jersey into a sea of crimson.
0:15 -- Pinhead 94, while trying to keep one eye on Booger, is apparently helping up another Giants fan who might have caught some friendly fire from the raging fists o' Booger. Booger is a menace! (Or, more likely, the dude Pinhead is helping is a Giants fan who drank for seven hours before the 8:20 pm EST kickoff.)
0:20 -- Pinhead 94 (practically crying) to Booger: "What the fuck is wrong with you???" Um, Pinhead, he's a pudgy, bald Giants fan wearing a hoodie underneath an XXXL jersey with the number 1 on it and he's starting fights at sporting events -- how much time do you have, Pinhead?
0:33 -- You can see Chip dismissively waving goodbye to Booger, like Chip somehow won the fight. And on our way out, the oh so enlightened cameraman screams to Booger "THIS HOMO IS OUTTA HEEYAH!!"
WORLD STAR! WORLD STAR! WORLD STAR!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.