We're Goin' Streakin'!! High School Football Streaker Narrowly Escapes Castration (w/ VIDEO)
I've reached the point with television shows where I rarely watch them in first run anymore. I find it much easier to satiate my TV thirst if I sit down and plow through an entire series on Netflix or DVD over the course of a few weeks. It's what I did with The Wire, it's what I intend to do with Breaking Bad. There are no weeklong waits in between episodes, no commercials. Trust me, I just function better this way.
The series that I'm on right now is Friday Night Lights, and yes, I realize I'm about three years late to the party on that one. I'm about five episodes into the fourth season (the unsettling "Coach Taylor moves over to East Dillon" season), and while I feel like I've seen every storyline possible involving high school football, I have yet to see this happen in FNL:
This video apparently took place at a high school football game in Florida. By the way, if you're looking for the Big Board on states where deviant and borderline deviant shenanigans occur, it looks like this:
FLORIDA -300 WEST VIRGINIA -150 KENTUCKY +125 FIELD +800
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. UCF Knights Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 29, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. Florida Atlantic University Owls Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 5, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulane University Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 12, 11:00am
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Louisville Cardinals College Football
TicketsThu., Nov. 17, 7:00pm
So maybe it shouldn't be all that surprising that we haven't seen a streaker on Friday Night Lights, since Texas keeps most of its public nudity confined to cabarets and strip clubs.
At any rate, here's a mini-Zapruder breakdown of the video above:
0:01 -- We pick up the video as our naked rapscallion is cutting across the 30 yard line. He appears to be in very good physical condition and is wearing some sort of red hood over his head, so he is either a rambunctious high schooler hepped up on goofballs OR he has escaped some sort of kinky interrogation. One or the other.
0:05 -- The streaker makes a cut at about the 20 yard line whereby it looks like he's trying to stay in bounds long enough to become the first streaker to ever score an imaginary touchdown in Florida high school history. (Ah, who am I kidding? It's Florida. There are probably a dozen other "streakings" going on within a ten-mile radius of this video.)
0:06 -- The police quickly force the streaker to break off his route, and he's forced out of bounds at about the six yard line. Sooooo close!
0:08 -- Most underrated performer in the video: the public address announcer who openly (and presumably sarcastically, but maybe not) laments how there "always has to be someone that does that." "That" meaning "sprinting across the field with their dick slapping against their inner thighs."
0:11 -- The streaker makes the first of two potentially scrotum-shredding vaults over fences, clearing the first short fence in a single bound with his front side facing down. That's all adrenaline, right there. Meanwhile, the fat security officer does a spectacular face plant trying to chase down the nudie. Somewhere, Barney Fife is looking down and smiling.
0:18 -- The streaker then hops fence number two, which is a legit chain link job that requires at least one step worth of climbing before hurdling over the top. Again, the streaker does this face down, meaning that one false step, one sweat-soaked slip of a hand or foot, and this dude's frank and beans are dangling from the fence like some sick decoration. The list of people who would try this move is short. Best I can come up with is the following:
1. Steve-O 2. This sick fuck
That is all.
0:21 -- Big shock, the security officer who fell on his face trying to run, well, that guy can't even get his fat ass four inches off the ground to at least attempt to hop the fence. Meanwhile, the streaker's getaway car pulls up alongside the fence. Well, it's either a getaway car or somebody looking for a good time.
Or maybe it's someone giving the streaker a short cut "through the quad over to the gymnasium!!!"
Whatever the case, on this night, the winner was nudity!
(Hat tip to Jason over at The Big Lead.)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.