Black. Beige. Nude. Purple. Fuchsia. What do these colors have in common? Perhaps they resemble the spectrum of brilliance you projectile puked after a particularly steep, single-handed tab at Shot Bar. Good guess. But we're actually referring to the unexpected vomit of hues that splattered Facebook status updates yesterday afternoon (and have, unfortunately, spilled over into the present as well).
For those of you that didn't do a Twitter search immediately upon detecting the pattern, like, um, we did, it seems that women were invited to participate in a public service meme of sorts, in the pseudoheroic name of breast cancer awareness. It was the following call to action that had the females excitedly peering down their shirt collars and reporting back to Facebook with their findings:
"Some fun is going on.... just write the color of your bra in your status. Just the color, nothing else. It will be neat to see if this will spread the wings of breast cancer awareness. It will be fun to see how long it takes before men wonder why all the girls have a color in their status... Haha ."
Compelling argument, counselor. Basically, these guerrilla campaigners were hoping to get dudes focused on tits? Wow. Tough objective.
While there's only speculation that this nonsense originated in The Motor City, the majority of sources agree that this was an impromptu effort to shed a viral light upon breast cancer. Except, well, those of us with brains that realize this was a feeble attempt at enlightenment at best.
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SHOW ME HOW
Bra color as a status update on Facebook? Pffft. Yawn, drool, eye water, head hitting pillow. We are not impressed. If you really want the world to take note while ladies sit up straight and stick out their mammaries in the name of "awareness" of a deadly disease, well, here are a few more actionable ideas for your Facebook updating pleasure:
How Would You Describe Your Melons? One word. Only one. And it can't be a word that anyone else has used in your network. Any sightings of "lumpy," "bumpy," or "marble-y" should raise immediate red flags among even the dimmest of sensibilities that something isn't right in Boobiestan. Now everybody, all hands on deck, and mash.
What Does Your Nipple Look Like Up Close? You know that little tulip icon on your digital camera? Yeah, it's a button you never use, we know, but it's got a function, fools. Use that button now. Zoom in on your nipple, hold the shutter down halfway to ensure focus, then depress fully to capture the image. Beware, though - nipple and only nipple are acceptable for this assignment. We don't even wanna see the edges of your areola; that's how hard core we are. This is real breast cancer awareness, folks. Now post it to Facebook, and complement the snapshot with detailed comparisons and contrasts to rashy, inverted, or discharge-y specimens. Really fulfill that monthly exam requirement, you know? Presto, change-o, awareness!
How Big Is Your Ex's Penis? The original chain letter claims it'd be "fun" to see how long it'd take all the men to figure out what the wily women were clucking about. And dick dimensions are obviously just as pertinent to breast cancer as the bra color thing. So, why not start another, equally irrelevant status update barrage? Your former paramour will certainly stiffen (however unnoticeable it may be) when he realizes that "2.5 inches" is referring to his mini-member.