Where Have All the Sex-With-Animals Videos Gone?
Remember the good ol' days, when it was perfectly permissible to, you know, allow the family furry friend to lick your peanut-butter-slathered genitalia clean? Okay, okay, easy there, Judge Judy. Before you condemn, it's a good source of protein, no matter from where it originates. You can bet your lil' Jif to Skippy tail that's true.
Besides, that was really quite benign compared to that hunka-hunka breathin' beef you boned behind the barn at your grandparents' farm. What? You lube-lubed here, and you lube-lubed there! But it led to here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a -- you guessed it -- moo moo, all the same.
Let's be honest. You take everything you see on the Internet literally and imitate it exactly, dontcha? Doesn't everyone? Sure. Yes. We admire you. Really. And if sex with animals is what they preach, then sex with animals is what you practice.
Well, cluckin' fuckers and woof-woof weirdos, your time for the highest form of flattery has come to an end. It seems as though the Netherlands has choked the chicken one final time, and went ahead to pass a brand spankin' new law, effectively banning the ability for the average Joe or Jen to boink a beast.
While this may seem to have nothing to do with Social Distortion's area of semi-expertise whatsoever, you're absolutely wrong. Why? 'Cause it seems that a whopping 80 percent of all mortal-nailing-mammal Internet videos worldwide hail from the Land of Legalized Prostitution and Turn-Your-Cheek Pot Smokers. Oh, technology, The Great Enabler! Eureka!
Seriously. The Dutch can score a piece of ass like they can buy a Coke, they snowshoe amongst the likes of snowy-skinned bangables like Famke Janssen and Sven Kramer, and yet, they insist on fornicating with ferrets and hope the rest of the globe will follow suit? Ee-i, ee-i, oh no!
Aside from making you cross and uncross your legs uncomfortably, what's this mean to you? Well, when you go Googling "animal porn," you're gonna run into a majority of the stuff you've already watched. Sorry. Call it "vintage" if you will, but the freshest providers have just had their fruit stands shuttered by Netherlandese narcs.
What else? It means that even the freaky deakiest of the world's miscreants have outlawed screwin' squirrels, skunks, and other strays. If it's not kosher with them, you might wanna consider pullin' back on the reins yourself. It really might be 'bout that time to go a little whoa on the nelly already.
But hey, it's just a thought.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Colts-Texans, Week 5 — Four Things To Watch For
- "Flag Desecration" Laws Are Still Unconstitutional, Even in Texas
- Been Pulled Over Lately? The ACLU of Texas Wants to Hear About It