Yesterday, Ted Cruz announced that Carly Fiorina would be his running mate. It's a move that reeks of overconfidence. Remember, he's currently in a delegate hole by a good 409 votes. Maybe, later this week, Cruz will announce where he wants his presidential library built in Houston, or the start of construction on his presidential highway, or what he wants written as his epitaph.
Immediately after his announcement, critics slammed Cruz's veep choice as premature and, generally, just not the right pick. So who should Cruz have chosen instead? Here are a few options we think would be better fits for Ted:
Ted Cruz / Stephen Harper 2016
Slogan: Preserving hometown values.
Now that Canada's longtime prime minster is free (the conservative Harper was defeated last year by liberal Justin Trudeau), perhaps he'd be willing to help out his fellow (er, former...since Cruz has renounced his Canadian citizenship) countryman. Who knows, maybe Cruz may want to finally embrace his northern roots, since it would distance him even (geographically) further from his Hispanic immigrant heritage (since immigrant-bashing is so en vogue this election season).
Ted Cruz / Paul LePage 2016
Slogan: Save our white women from Shifty.
LePage, the governor of Maine, caused controversy earlier this year when he claimed drug traffickers named "D-Money, Smoothie and Shifty" were invading the state and impregnating white women. Sounds like something Cruz could get behind (the ridiculous comments, not the impregnating of white women, that is).
Ted Cruz / Pamela Geller 2016
Slogan: Working for you, unless you're Muslim.
Ted Cruz has said he wants to carpet-bomb Syria, recommended we "patrol and secure" Muslim communities in the U.S., and infused his campaign staff with Islamophobes left and right. Who better to continue that trend than Geller, who is known for her infamous ads attacking Islam and is perhaps the most anti-Muslim person in America?
Ted Cruz / Cliven Bundy 2016
Slogan: This land is my land, not yours.
Cruz campaigned in Nevada by promising to reduce the amount of land the federal government owns there, which sounds similar to the motivation behind the armed occupation of an Oregon wildlife refuge led by Bundy's family earlier this year. Maybe they'd make a good team.
Ted Cruz / Kim Davis 2016
Slogan: Fighting for your right not to do your job.
When small-town Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis was thrown in jail last fall for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples, Ted Cruz pounced on that bandwagon as though she were some sort of poorly dressed angel sent by the gods of political martyrdom. She is the perfect symbol for one of Cruz's most favorite made-up things: the relentless "religious persecution" of conservative Christians in the United States. She'd also certainly lock up the ugly sweater vote for Cruz.
Ted Cruz / Unborn Fetus 2016
Slogan: Cruz and Fetus, you won't defetus!
Unborn Fetus may not be old enough to walk, breathe or vote yet, but Cruz's hardline anti-abortion stance could certainly use a boost from something with such extensive first-hand knowledge of the embryonic experience. Another option for Cruz could be one of the anti-abortion activists who filmed Planned Parenthood officials and claimed they caught the organization peddling baby parts. Cruz has publicly supported the video makers, but they're a little busy facing criminal fraud charges, so they'd probably have to wait until 2020 to get on Ted's ticket.
Ted Cruz / Zodiac Killer
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Some people think these guys are two peas in a pod...or one pea in a pod? Who knows. Either way, it seems like a joint venture on the same ticket would make a lot of sense at this point.